Man too nervous to figure out if that’s Joan Cusack at the next table over

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By David Colton

APPLEBEE’S OF BOONVILLE– After several reports of a Cusack in the area, local middle-aged man Boris Mouth knew there was only one place they could be.

“I got the alert on my pager, and in that moment, I knew I had to go to Applebee’s,” explains Mouth, who spends the majority of his time tracking down the entire cast of ‘School of Rock’.

Mouth now sits at his table, where he is having trouble figuring out if Joan is sitting across the restaurant.

“She’s got the same signature cheekbones that Joan does, I know that, but her hair is parted a little differently than usual,” explains Mouth.

Among Boris’ Cusack-sighting team is waiter Geoff Houlihan, who says this is hardly Mouth’s first time in Applebee’s this week.

“I keep telling him that’s not her, because I don’t want him to get his hopes up,” states Houlihan, “but it actually might be her this time, I’ve got this feeling.”

According to Houlihan, Boris has come in to Applebee’s at least six times per week since he saw the guy who played Zach Mooneyham on TV.

“I’ve never seen him this inspired,” says Mouth’s wife, Vendetta, “I just hope she doesn’t try to file a restraining order like that asshole Ned Schneebly.”

Boris Mouth has remained on the hunt for the School of Rock cast for nearly three years now, and lists it as his full-time occupation on LinkedIn.

Other members of the community have called Boris “actually maybe insane,” “really weirdly tall,” and “in all honesty pretty terrifying.”

UPDATE: It wasn’t her.

Papa John loses custody battle

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By Lars Gills

JEFFERSONVILLE, IN- “Papa” John Schnatter received some devastating news this weekend. As the CEO of the popular pizza chain Papa John’s left an LA county courthouse, he was visibly distraught. His attorney, conveniently named Lyle Crust, addressed the media this morning.

“My client was informed Tuesday that he would not be allowed custody or visitation rights of his three children” Crust told reporters. This news comes after the pizza giant’s split with wife Annette last October. Sources close to the family have speculated that the split was over Schnatter’s alleged affair with Lisa Malnati, Daughter of Chicago deep-dish king Lou.

Just over an hour ago, Papa John’s released a statement via Facebook that reads as follows: “We are deeply saddened by the news about John’s family. In order to stay true to our customers, we will be rebranding our company, starting with our slogan: “Better Ingredients, Better Pizza. John’s”. There is no word yet as to if the Chain will drop the “Papa” to respect Schnatter’s deteriorating familial situation.

5 fun things to do with your parents this weekend

  1. Play Checkers142038085.jpg

King me, mom and dad!

  1. Discuss the status of the Thompsons’ Divorce50872864-daughter-and-mature-parents-having-serious-talking-in-home-interior-Stock-Photo.jpg

I hear he’s letting her take the dog. Can you believe that?

  1. Order Pizza041109_pizzahut.jpg

Get cheese, pepperoni, or even sausage! The possibilities are truly endless.

  1. Lie about how your classes are goingconnecting-with-your-kids.png

Your professor hasn’t put any exams put in yet, so the actual grade is higher than it looks.

  1. Give them an uncomfortable tour of your house23a0938c5e3caa943becf8ca98a28373.jpg

Make sure you forget to move your lotion off of your nightstand.

Guy in plain white T-shirt and jeans might have a knife

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By David Colton

SPEAKER’S CIRCLE – This morning, students on their way to class had a bit of a scare.

“I was walking, and I saw that guy standing there, and he just mouthed the words ‘I have a knife’” explains sophomore Georgio Philliniamani, “he didn’t seem angry or anything, just kind of like he wanted me to know he had it.”

Speaker’s Circle has always been known as a place where people of all backgrounds can come together; knife holders and civilians alike.

“Honestly this is what we’re all about,” explained interim administrator Rob Blagojevich, “we’re really just trying to make this campus more inclusive to kids of all demographics.”

The man was seen standing on the outskirts of speaker’s circle without a backpack, which some witnesses say is “a little unsettling.”

“I’ve just never seen someone wear that outfit that wasn’t either going to stab me or in a Hanes commercial, and I’ve just been praying Michael Jordan will come out from behind him and take the tag from his shirt; take him down a peg,” explains junior Ryan Goose.

UPDATE: He keeps doing this thing where he slicks his hair back and then snaps immediately after.

Rush Limbaugh to pursue new Zebra Cake-themed radio show

gty_rush_limbaugh_jef_120306_wblog.jpgBy David Colton

DARK FOREST—In an interesting turn of events, Rush Limbaugh has just announced the subject of his new radio show: Lil’ Debbie Zebra Cakes. Republicans say they expected a shift in topic from Limbaugh, but not one this extreme.

“I mean, I think we all knew Rush was going to do something controversial,” explains Senator Mike Huckabee, “I at least expected him to focus on something a little less intense, like Texas Toast.”

Limbaugh, however, was not to be rattled, as he has his own vision for the show and for America.

“Imagine a world where you can legally take up to 65 Zebra Cakes on an airplane,” states Limbaugh, “it’s about damn time people wake up in this country and see the things that can really help them.”

In regards to the Zebra Cake’s decline in popularity, Limbaugh said only “Yeah, well nuclear war isn’t popular either, but that doesn’t mean it wouldn’t be awesome.”

The law, however revolutionary it may be, does have some restrictions.

“I don’t allow minorities to eat Zebra Cakes. It’s offensive to them. The white frosting drizzled on top of the chocolate frosting…just…so……perfectly. Anyway, I would know what offends other people, so you should trust me. After all, I did come up with the idea for a Zebra Cake talk show.”

EDM enthusiast misinterprets enrollment drop

 

 

Tiquicia-Hit-Radio-guy-with-headphones.jpgBy David Colton

THE BLUE NOTE—Early this morning, local EDM advocator and MU student Thom Bulge expressed confusion about the drop in MU enrollment for 2016.

“I heard about the enrollment drop and god super psyched,” explains Thom, “I love hearing about new artists, and Enrollment is already one of my favorites.”

Bulge apparently thinks ‘Enrollment’ is a Progressive House side-project collaboration between DJ Lactaid and O.B.G.Y.N., two of the most well-known producers in the business.

“We’ve tried over and over again to explain to Thom that the enrollment drop is not sick,” explains Thom’s mother, Shauna Bulge, “but he just continues to insist that we just need to ‘wait for it,’ and I don’t even know what that means.

Somehow, even though he lived through the campus climate last fall, Bulge has no idea anything has changed at all.

“Honestly, I’m just pumped for Louis the Child to come dance in front of their computers again this month,” explains Bulge, “their drops are moderately sick.”

The Gatekeeper sat down with Bulge this week and explained to him that the enrollment drop was actually a drop in students attending MU, perpetuated by systematic oppression from positions of leadership and national media attention. Bulge, however, held constant to his stance, saying he “never even left Greektown,” because “why would he?”

 

Chainsmokers retire from music after seeing real-life piano

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By David Colton

CONCERT WITH INSTRUMENTS – After being asked to play at every State School in the country, computer-touchers and frat stars The Chainsmokers retired from music Monday following a harrowing encounter with a grand piano.

“We were walking into our green room, which was filled with molly and bitches,” explains Andrew Toggart, who makes up half of the duo, “when we walked in, there was this huge black thing just looking us dead in the face.”

That “black thing,” of course, turned out to be a grand piano, which neither of the duo had apparently heard of.

“I won’t lie, I’ve never been so horrified in my entire life,” says Alex Pall, whose name is comically similar to his counterpart’s, “It just sat there and taunted us… it was some sort of hypersophisticated technology neither of us had ever seen before.”

After encountering the grand piano, who has asked to remain anonymous, the duo fled in Scooby-Doo like fashion.

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The DJ’s, who probably met at a tailgate, have been touching computers since 2010, when their track #SELFIE, which was just horrible, was released.

In other news, this is a real quote from Alex Pall from an interview with Billboard. Yes, this is actually a real thing:

“Even before success, pussy was number one… Like, ‘Why am I trying to make all this money?’ I wanted to hook up with hotter girls. I had to date a model … We’re just frat bro dudes, you know what I mean? Loving ladies and stuff.”

These “frat bro-dudes,” who have their actual penis sizes advertised on their website, have been at the top of the charts for nearly three weeks. Way to go, America.

Mizzou football team to just give up

 

562ae58f60bd4.image.jpgBy David Colton

BARRY ODOM’S SAD EYES– In developing news, the University of Missouri football team has announced that they will give up following Saturday’s loss to Georgia.

“We keep trying to play football, and it keeps not working,” explains J’mon Moore, whose hands are made of liquid, “it seems like the world is just working against us.”

After Saturday’s heartbreaking loss, head coach Barry Odom brought the team into the locker room for some choice words.

The following is an excerpt from Odom’s speech:

“Alright guys, I’m not gonna lie to you, I would much rather just give up and go get some Taco Bell. I mean, if anyone objects, please do, but clearly this whole ‘football’ deal isn’t our thing.”

Mizzou held the lead for the vast majority of the game, but lost it with 1:50 left. Then, redshirt freshman Drew Lock threw a beautiful pass to J’mon Moore, who was distracted by a passing pigeon and fumbled the ball.

The loss is just one of many for the team this year, but is hardly the most tragic.

“I think we were all pretty shaken up when T-Bell got rid of the Beefy Crunch Burrito,” explains offensive lineman Darby Hent, “this sucks too though.”

National Competitive Eating Association Struggling To Find Name For Fruit Eating Competition That Isn’t “Pear-Olympics”

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By D’angelo Kork

NEW YORK- The National Competitive Eating Association (NCEA) announced Thursday its most recent setback in getting its new eating competition off the ground.

“You see, the idea is simple” NCEA President Frank D’Lips told reporters during a press conference. “Competitors race to see how many pears they can eat in ten minutes and the winner wins a gold medal”.

The controversy, however, comes with the competition’s name. Calling it “The Pear-Olympics”, The NCEA hoped to appeal to people with an interest in this year’s Olympics in Rio.

“Our researchers have worked around the clock to find a new name, and they have come up with nothing. Pear-Olympics will have to do,” Lips told the media during a press conference, to mixed results.

Understandably, there has been some vicious feedback from the fruit community.

“Pear-Olympics?” On What if they eat apples? Or oranges?! This title simply excludes most of the fruit kingdom, and that is the only thing wrong with the title. Nothing else. I’m mad that they’re excluding fruit.”

The “Pear-Olympics” are scheduled for next month and tickets are free because nobody cares.