White man with dreadlocks has definitely seen some shit

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By David Colton

PANERA – After several reports of unsettling smiles and frequent trips to the bathroom, witnesses concluded that, in fact, this guy has definitely seen some shit.

One witness says she was approached by the man, who owns mostly black cargo pants.

“He walked up to me, and I saw the chain stretching from his belt loop to his pocket, and I was like ‘that can’t be good,’” explains Bethany Crimson, “He asked me if I had any tampons he could borrow.”

When confronted with these allegations, the man simply sipped on his cup of coffee through a straw and said “look man, I just need to get the fuck out of here.”

Another witness says this isn’t the first time he’s seen the man, whom police are describing as “probably not someone we need to be worried about.”

“I saw him playing soccer the other night at like 11:30 pm in the middle of the street, by himself,” explains witness Derek Waters, “it was weird though, because watching it felt like I was watching a full game.”

Unfortunately, the man could not be reached for further questioning, as he walked into the single-person bathroom and disappeared into thin air.

“I literally watched him go in there and stood here for 45 minutes, there’s nowhere he could have gone,” explains Waters, “But at the same time, I have this feeling that he’s watching.”

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