By Cole Henry
ARTS AND SCIENCE BUILDING- Police are on the scene due to a robbery that seems to have been thwarted by a freshman clarinet major, James “Naruto” Thiddlebottom. The scene is rather grisly due to Thiddlebottom slicing the burglar in half with his favorite katana that “never leaves his side.”
“I was cleaning my clarinet and out of the corner of my eye I see a man donning a balaclava mask grabbing a fellow band mate’s laptop. Anyone who knows me knows that I, Naruto Thiddlebottom, stand up for justice. Anyone who breaks the law around me will feel the cold righteousness of my blade! In summation, I cut down the brigand and watched my sword suck up his soul. I felt so powerful.”
Thiddlebottom says that he felt so powerful yet the coroners report shows that it took upwards of 15 slashes to strike down the would be burglar. Thiddlebottom is known in his dormitory for being a rather weak individual with a scrawny stature matching that of Mick Jagger, minus the sex appeal.
“It feels great to dole out such righteous justice! I, one day, hope to be the first samurai sworn into police service in the United States. I have watched countless animes that feature swordplay therefore I have truly mastered the art of the blade.”
Sadly, Thiddlebottom will never see that day due to the fact that the burglar was a fellow classmate who wore the balaclava because it kept his face warm in the cold Missouri winter. Thiddlebottom faces life in prison for the needless taking of life in which he was the prime offender. So we should ask Thomas, as he sits meditating in his cell, are you a samurai or a ronin?