Incoming freshmen “Utterly Terrified” of Junior living in dorm

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By Kacen Bayless

SCHURZ HALL – Earlier today, six freshmen residing on the fifth floor of Schurz Residential Hall held a meeting inside self-proclaimed cool guy Brad Butler’s dorm room. The cause of this possible coup was centered around the mysterious junior living at the end of the boys’ hallway.

“I knew Brad was the one guy we could go to with this information once I saw the amount of Ferrari posters in his room,” resident Chester Sullivan, freshman, said, his eyes wide in terror. “With everything that’s going on, we all feel safe in his room.”

The residents agree they first witnessed the junior, whose name is either Keith or Darren, on move-in day and have been terrified ever since.

“He only comes back to the floor around midnight,” pesky little guy Steven Plasken said, “It’s like he doesn’t even want to hang out with us.”

Instead of engaging in the floor’s ice-breaker activities with Residential Advisor Jason Alexander, the junior was nowhere to be seen.

“I went and knocked on his door, hoping to invite him to the ice cream social…” Sullivan said, pausing to catch his breath. “…and he wasn’t even there.”

During the ice cream social, the six gentlemen also unsuccessfully tried to coax the girls from the floor over to hall’s lounge. The 20 or so women allegedly told the boys they were planning on just staying in for the night, but were later seen socializing with the residents on floor three.

“It can’t be us that they’re afraid of,” Plasken said, his peskiness rising. “I think they’re afraid of…him.”

The junior, whose name I’m starting to think isn’t either Keith or Darren, was unavailable for comment, but the six freshmen all agreed that he’s probably out there somewhere being super mysterious.

“We don’t know why he’s here or what his plan is, but we want him gone,” Brad Butler said, speaking for the group of guys huddled behind his mini fridge. “He’s the main reason why I haven’t gotten laid in college yet.”

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