By Kacen Bayless
FRANCIS QUADRANGLE- This morning, engineers working for Brookside Apartments submitted plans for new developments right in the middle of the fucking quad and inside the Student Center. The company, which already started leasing for next fall, has caused quite a stir on campus as many students begin to wonder if Brookside has finally gone too far.
“Dear God… it’s happening,” local alley-dweller Howard Gooseman said. “This is the outbreak I warned all of you about. I knew the school I once loved would be taken over by these people eventually.”
No record has been found of Gooseman ever attending the University of Missouri, but he remains steadfast in his claims of having graduated “…sometime after the columns were built.”
The Tweet heard ’round Columbia
Brookside’s plans were initially leaked on Feb. 16 when Carly Shannon, junior, tweeted:
Although some users seemed worried about the supposed plans, many took the tweet as mere satire:
Despite the outcry from students and faculty over Brookside’s steady spread onto campus, the apartment company/incurable disease assures the residents of Columbia they have nothing to fear.
“We just want to get closer to our beloved students and you can’t get much closer than the columns and Student Center,” Brookside creator and CEO Cornelius Welt said, clearly sweating through his shirt and bolo tie. “We plan to preserve the columns’ history and only knock down two of the six pillars. Trust me, we come in peace.”
The perspiring albeit welcoming words of Welt have yet to leave a mark on University staff workers who feel that once Brookside takes over the columns, the company will continue its spread by going after campus dining.
“If they take Sandy, they take Mizzou,” Sabai and Plaza 900 workers cried out in unison.
Details have already emerged that the company plans to replace friendly Plaza 900 worker, Sandy, with a cardboard box.
“They’ve taken Bengals and they moved Shakespeare’s, don’t let these fuckers take Sandy,” Sabai chef Randy Jackson said, shaken by the new information. “I shouldn’t even be talking to you about this…they’re always listening.”
In order to prevent the Brookside’s spread, workers from Rollins, Plaza 900, Sabai, and Baja held a secret meeting inside Ellis Library. The workers seem to be using Sandy’s always welcoming smile as the logo for their revolution.
Brookside’s plans to place red-brick apartment buildings practically on top of the columns and inside the Student Center are set to be accepted by University officials this week and so far no one besides the dining hall staff seems to be stopping them.
“Brookside on Columns now leasing for Fall 2017,” Cornelius Welt whispered into my ear, drool oozing off his handlebar mustache. “We’re coming for you Mizzou.”