Papa John loses custody battle

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By Lars Gills

JEFFERSONVILLE, IN- “Papa” John Schnatter received some devastating news this weekend. As the CEO of the popular pizza chain Papa John’s left an LA county courthouse, he was visibly distraught. His attorney, conveniently named Lyle Crust, addressed the media this morning.

“My client was informed Tuesday that he would not be allowed custody or visitation rights of his three children” Crust told reporters. This news comes after the pizza giant’s split with wife Annette last October. Sources close to the family have speculated that the split was over Schnatter’s alleged affair with Lisa Malnati, Daughter of Chicago deep-dish king Lou.

Just over an hour ago, Papa John’s released a statement via Facebook that reads as follows: “We are deeply saddened by the news about John’s family. In order to stay true to our customers, we will be rebranding our company, starting with our slogan: “Better Ingredients, Better Pizza. John’s”. There is no word yet as to if the Chain will drop the “Papa” to respect Schnatter’s deteriorating familial situation.

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