Donald Trump’s 5 Most Controversial Stances

By David Colton and Peter Leipold

#1: The “Raise the Roof”

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When you only wear the top half of your suit to the toilet.

#2: The “Phallic Measurement”

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I know it, you know it, everybody knows it.

#3: The “Wise Guy”

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“Our wall will be built with coal and tears.”

#4: The “Try Not to Look Like Hitler”

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It’s harder than it looks, you know.

#5: The ” This is Where My Brain is”

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He’s already learning at a fifth grade level!

It’s about time: White vans now have to print what kind of candy they have on their side door

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Photo by Haley Blase

By David Colton

INDIANA – After a decade-long legal battle with the White Van Coalition, Indiana legislature finally signed into effect a law that requires all owners of White Vans to print what tasty treats lie inside.

“We just figured it wasn’t fair,” explains Indiana senator Flenderman Pinks, “if someone says they have candy in their van, we want to make sure they’re not just talking about Twizzlers or some shit.”

The law, which passed by an overwhelming majority in the Indiana Senate, will go into effect just before Halloween.

“I honestly think it’s straight up bullshit,” explains white van owner and questionable source Dennis Throbb, “we should be allowed to leave some room for interpretation.”

The law first came to the forefront of Indiana politics after a mother wrote a letter to the Senate complaining about candy types. The Gatekeeper has obtained an exclusive excerpt from this letter:

… My son was offered candy by a seemingly personable man who was wearing a wife-beater and acid wash jeans; pretty standard stuff. Obviously, I agreed to let Jimmy go get some (I mean, who doesn’t want free sugar), but when I asked him what kind of candy he had, he really started to freak me out. He said he either had Almond Joy or Snickers, and I just fucking lost it. Almond Joy OR Snickers?! That’s unacceptable. So, I told him that my son was no Almond Joy-loving pansy, and he switched his answer to Twix, so I let my son go with him. He must’ve had quite the selection, because he’s been checking it out for nearly 3 years now. Either way, something must be done.

Guy in Vineyard Vines & Sperry’s excited to make transition to Vineyard Vines & Tims

 

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By David Colton

GREEKTOWN – Early this morning, local Natty Light advocate and all-around savage Geoff Smalls made a decision that could alter the fashion world forever.

This morning, Geoff, whose name originally started with a ‘J’ but he got it changed, took advantage of the changing fall weather.

“It’s honestly dope how weather works,” explains Smalls, “I just love being able to express myself uniquely through what I wear.”

Geoff has made advancements to more than just his footwear though, also purchasing a few basketball jerseys to wear even in the winter.

“Yeah, my frat likes to keep the policy that every party is a jersey party,” explains Geoff, whose long hair somehow always looks wet, “it really ends up working out for us, because we all love sports!”

The shift from Sperry’s to Tims was not just a unique decision, but an informed one. Geoff’s brothers have all followed suit, and some have even started adding little personal touches, such as high white socks and backwards baseball hats.

“We’re really just glad we can express ourselves through what we wear,” said the fourth guy in 5 minutes, “we really feel that fashion is the most unique way of expressing yourself, no matter who you are.”

Student from Naperville is “like the biggest Cubs fan in the world”

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By David Colton

$2 TUESDAYS – In a shocking news briefing tonight at Harpo’s, it was uncovered that 20-year-old Kristin North from Naperville, IL is “actually such a huge Cubs fan you guys don’t even know.”

After attending one game in which she wore half of a jersey and pigtails, North has made an excellent case for being the team’s #1 fan.

“I just love Kris Byrant so honestly much,” explains North, “I remember once I saw him play on the field.”

Among North’s challengers for #1 Cubs fan are Lindsay, Brittany, and Kimberly, all of whom are, in Kristin’s words “actually the fakest bitches you’ll ever meet, and they don’t even tan.”

Lindsay, who’s been trying to claim the title ever since she saw a guy with a jawline beard in a Cubs jersey, says she’s definitely more loyal of a fan than Kristin.

“Ya, Kristin doesn’t even have the skin tone to match a Cubs uniform,” explains Lindsay, “She’s got so much more of a Boston White Shoes skin thing going.”

The voting will take place at Brookside Midtown tomorrow at Kyle’s pregame, and the viewing party will continue to a small, dark, sweaty room with no TV’s.

Federal Preserves torn between strawberry, peach for next fiscal year

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Photo by Haley Blase

By David Colton

WASHINGTON – This week, in political news more interesting than the upcoming national circus, the Federal Preserves announced shocking news for the toast world.

Last year, the seven-person committee decided on Apricot, a flavor that sent the breakfast world into a frenzy.

“I just want something that I’m going to be able to put on cooked bread,” explains food consumer Jefferson Tonks, “I don’t know why there has to be one type of jelly for the entire year.”

Unfortunately, Tonks was unable to complete his interview, as he was promptly hit with a poison dart after saying the J-word in front of the executive board of Preserves.

“We really can’t risk another incident like the Grape strike of 2011,” explains CEO of Fruit Relations Fenton Berry, “the fruit community is still rattled from those riots.”

The Grape Strike is not more than a tiny example of the countless ridiculous shenanigans this (somehow) multi-faceted committee has caused in major U.S. cities.

Decision day is November 8, so be sure to get out there and vote for something that matters!

Shakespeare’s Pizza involved in sign-fueled kidnapping of Journalism student

 

By Travis Breese

SHAKESPEARE’S — Early Sunday morning, aspiring journalist Trish Astenbaucher, who has a “usual” drink at Infusion, came to authorities claiming she had been held captive in Shakespeare’s for “like, at least 15 hours.”

Trish said she was on an off-campus assignment for her J2100 class at the establishment when she was ambushed by the staff and forced to admire their “ridiculous signage” at length.

“We got all sorts of signs,” says Mels Kruger, who might work here, “stop signs, go signs, stay still signs, all those.”

When J-school  uthorities informed Trish that the pizza joint didn’t really count as “off-campus” she had a full six-minute response on her choice for the assignment. Here is a Gatekeeper excerpt:

“I’m from Chicago, so I know about real journalism.”

Trish decided to withhold the fact that she lived in Naperville, but we did find that she was actually the Social Media Editor for her middle school’s newspaper.

This is one of three cases the Campus Police Department has done little about because they are very busy with racial matters on campus, most recently almost doing half of a thing in that arena.

“I guess it’s because all of these immature kids think they are doing actual journalism when they are really just informing their professors how many sauces Shakespeare’s has on tap,” said Detective Smallsworth, when asked why he thought so many instances have occurred in the recent past, “someone’s got to cover the signs to some extent.”

Trish said her next assignment will no doubt be at Varsity Clips haircuts because, “that’s easy I guess.”

 

Drug Dealer ‘El Aderallo’ Apprehended by Campus Police

by Garrett Dvorkin

COLUMBIA- After weeks of investigation, MUPD finally brought the 27th biggest adderall dealer on campus to justice. Apprehended in room 236 of Wolpers Hall, officers dressed in SWAT gear were finally able to catch sophomore Noah Powers.

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In a press conference at the scene of the arrest, local police chief Grady Spillman said “We have declared a war on Adderall. This drug is destroying our campus by allowing lazy and stupid students to maintain B+s. Completely harmless suburban kids with ADD from St.Louis are turned into drug dealers all due to this substance.”

 

When interrogated, Noah quickly folded and gave his supplier to the authorities. The college student would go home and get a legal subscription, then transport the drugs across state lines. MUPD called the CVS Pharmacy in Evanston Illinois for questioning, but no leads were found. The sentencing for Noah Powers will be held on Thursday, the minimum sentencing is anywhere from 2 BASICS sources and an AlcoholEDU to three years in prison. The Detectives on the case believe he may be connected to the Sinaloa cartel.

 

Man who knows how to play guitar doesn’t have to stop playing guitar to continue talking about playing guitar

 

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Photo by Haley Blase

By David Colton

KYLE’S BACKYARD – Sources confirmed Tuesday morning that Bryce Clad, self-described anklet connoisseur and longboard advocate, actually knows how to play the guitar.

By ‘sources,’ of course, we mean Bryce, who gave an interview while simultaneously struggling through “Sweet Home Alabama”

“People always talk about it like it’s some huge thing,” explains Clad, ”and I’m just like, you think I don’t know that?”

Clad, who has been playing for approximately 1 year, knows such classics as “Seven Nation Army” and “Back in Black,” but usually just spends his time vaguely picking G and C chords.

“Yeah, I was super into biking for a while, but then my bike got stolen back, so I picked up this guitar I took from an old guy,” says Clad, whose age remains comically ambiguous.

Instead of playing concerts or practicing on his own, Bryce likes to combine the two in public.

“It’s pretty tight, really,” explains Clad, “I just bring my axe wherever I go. I call it a ‘Practoncert.’ Good one, right?

Bryce’s friends, Kyle and Dirk, haven’t spoken in four hours.

Athletic shorts not doing 14-year old boy any favors

 

school.k.pngBy David Colton

MIDDLE SCHOOL – After several reports of prepubescent musings, sources confirmed Monday that Bobby Wallace, local teen, was seen walking in between classes with what witnesses described as a “legitimately disgusting” and “almost impressive” bulge.

“I was just going to math, and I turned the corner and bam! There it was, looking me square in the face,” explains other middle schooler Timmy Pants.

Wallace was said to be wearing athletic shorts that were clearly bought at Target, as the champion logo on the bottom of the shorts sat a bit farther than normal from his thigh.

“I don’t know what everyone keeps looking at,” explains Wallace, who might not even be wearing any underwear, “I know they’re cool shorts but they aren’t that cool!”

After 7th period, principal Jeffery Groin pulled Bobby into his office. The following interview material is a Gatekeeper exclusive:

PRINCIPAL GROIN: Bobby, do you know why you’re here?

BOBBY: Because I turned the water fountain around and made Lucy Thomas’ shirt see through?

PG: Actually no, but nice one. You’re here because you need to change your pants.

BOBBY: I haven’t done that since 2008, why should I do it now?

PG: Because you have a raging boner, son.

UPDATE: The problem has been mysteriously solved after the swim unit began in gym class.