Shakespeare’s Pizza involved in sign-fueled kidnapping of Journalism student


By Travis Breese

SHAKESPEARE’S — Early Sunday morning, aspiring journalist Trish Astenbaucher, who has a “usual” drink at Infusion, came to authorities claiming she had been held captive in Shakespeare’s for “like, at least 15 hours.”

Trish said she was on an off-campus assignment for her J2100 class at the establishment when she was ambushed by the staff and forced to admire their “ridiculous signage” at length.

“We got all sorts of signs,” says Mels Kruger, who might work here, “stop signs, go signs, stay still signs, all those.”

When J-school  uthorities informed Trish that the pizza joint didn’t really count as “off-campus” she had a full six-minute response on her choice for the assignment. Here is a Gatekeeper excerpt:

“I’m from Chicago, so I know about real journalism.”

Trish decided to withhold the fact that she lived in Naperville, but we did find that she was actually the Social Media Editor for her middle school’s newspaper.

This is one of three cases the Campus Police Department has done little about because they are very busy with racial matters on campus, most recently almost doing half of a thing in that arena.

“I guess it’s because all of these immature kids think they are doing actual journalism when they are really just informing their professors how many sauces Shakespeare’s has on tap,” said Detective Smallsworth, when asked why he thought so many instances have occurred in the recent past, “someone’s got to cover the signs to some extent.”

Trish said her next assignment will no doubt be at Varsity Clips haircuts because, “that’s easy I guess.”


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