Chair With Wheels Easily Best Part About Mom’s Office

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By David Colton

NORMAL, IL – Following several trips around the small grey building, reports confirmed Wednesday that the spinny chair in Mom’s office was easily the most entertaining part of the windowless maze of cubicles.

The reports discovered that despite the presence of a small, sad café in the lobby of the building, as well as a Ferrari calendar in Derek’s cubicle, the chair presented the most entertaining option.

“Honey, why don’t you and Derek take turns spinning each other in the chair?” says Mom, who constantly deflects questions about Derek’s status as ‘new dad.’

Derek, who says his hair loss is genetic and he can’t do anything about it, doesn’t want to spin too fast or else he may throw up.

“I don’t get what the big deal is, I get motion sickness very easily,” explains Derek, “but I’ll still have a fun time with the kiddo.”

After four hours spinning on the chair, Derek insisted we look through pictures of his old family, as well as play with his minor-league bobbleheads.

”I love these things,” says Derek, gesturing to an unnamed player from the Kane County Cougars, “The admission to the game is a little steep, but they make up for it every time with these bad boys.”

Donald Trump Appoints ’91 Buick LeSabre to Secretary of Transportation

 

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By David Colton

WASHINGTON – After several minutes of deliberation and multiple test drives, Trump announced his pick for Secretary of Transportation Monday.

“I’m just glad I got someone to take it off my hands,” says Dale Jackson, who sold the President-Elect the vehicle, “I’m positive this is for a good cause.”

Trump, who already only has $2,000 left in the White House cabinet budget, says the pick was a personal one.

“I met this man, and he says to me, look, I’ve got a very very good deal on a very very nice car,” says Mr. Trump, “and so I say ‘look, you know, how is this for transportation?’ He told me it was very very good at transportation, and at that point I knew it was the perfect fit.”

Despite multiple attempts to explain to Trump that the position should be delegated to a person, not a car, the President-Elect insisted that the Beige ’91 LeSabre was the man for the job.

Trump announced the pick Monday morning at a press conference outside of a Denny’s.

“Look, people, it’s simple. People do not have wheels. Cars have wheels. Wheels transport you. If I appoint a man to the job, you look me dead and the eyes and tell me he’ll be able to work as quickly as a car. Exactly.”

Uncrustable Causes Student to Attend Therapy

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by Elizabeth Quinn

COLUMBIA – During a brisk fall afternoon in the Student Center, MU student Kyle Kerkansas unpacked his lunch of an Uncrustable and leftover Gumby’s pizza.

“I didn’t see it coming,” Kerkansas said. “I hope that never happens to anyone ever again.”

The unpackaged Uncrustable revealed the betrayal of the beloved Smucker’s family – a crusted sandwich.

Kerkansas has never been a fan of crust. Ever since he was 5 years old, his mother would cut the crust off his sandwiches.

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“My mom told me to buy Uncrustables since she isn’t here to cut the crust off herself,” Kerkansas said. The student now spends his Wednesday afternoons in the counseling center talking to his therapist on ways to trust again.

“Kyle has come a long way from where we began,” Nancy Merryweather, Kerkansas’ therapist, said.

“Thankfully, he’s not buying frozen food anymore, but by the end of our sessions, I hope to see Kyle buying a loaf of bread to cut the crust off himself.”

Kerkansas is not the only student that has been betrayed by refrigerated food. According to the counseling center’s documents, there are at least 43 other reports of trust issues with chilled meals.

Student Melanie Newborn bought a package of frozen lasagna from Walmart. When she opened the package, she was shocked. There, sitting in the package, was a slice of wet, thawed, lasagna.

“I just don’t understand why the companies continue to lie to us,” Newborn said. “I paid a good $3 for this food. I don’t deserve this!”

 

Smucker’s has yet to comment.