Area Dad Will Pull This Car Over

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By Mo Macsai-Goren


CLEVELAND-Tensions were high this evening as Robert Scump, father of three, finally put his foot down.

“I have had it up to here,” Scump proclaimed as his children once again entered a frivolous argument about what restaurant they were going to.

“I’m tired of this bickering and so help me god, I will pull this car over,” Scump said into the rearview mirror of his swamp colored 1998 Toyota Sienna.

Scump is known for his good-natured demeanor and ability to eat an entire Whole Foods rotisserie chicken, so this outbreak came as a surprise to everyone.

While his three children fell silent, Scump breathed a sigh of relief before claiming that there was plenty of food in the fridge.

This seemingly motivated his children, who quickly resolved their differences and decided that The Cheesecake Factory was the restaurant of choice for the evening. 

This event marks Robert Scump’s third threat to pull the car over this month and fourteenth parental threat overall.

* Others include “Only thirty minutes of computer time” and “no sleepovers” but he has yet to act on any of these.

It is safe to say that as assertive as Robert may seem, he definitely will not do anything about it ever.

Scump’s children were unavailable for comment.

Trump Cites Dolores Umbridge in Inauguration Speech

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By Mo Macsai-Goren

WASHINGTON-Literally tens of people showed up at the national mall this morning to watch an angry orange man become our nation’s leader.

The inauguration festivities began yesterday with a nine minute concert by the Canadian rock trio “Three Doors Down” as they performed their entire discography and ran into the early hours of this morning with the men of “Duck Dynasty” shooting fireworks off from the Capitol’s parking lot.

We have been briefed that they are being considered for top positions at The Pentagon.

A whopping 17 Americans covered the national mall as President Trump took the stage, swore in, and delivered a millennial-friendly speech where he cleared the air about his connections to Vladimir Putin.

“I am tremendously excited to say that I am not Russian,” Trump weirdly exclaimed, “In the words of my favorite millennial  Harry Potter character, ‘I must not tell lies’.”

Trump was clearly quoting tyrannical and sadistic Hogwarts School professor Dolores Umbridge, who ultimately was working for the Minister of magic.

Democrats were absolutely floored by President Trump’s reference while Republicans seemed overjoyed. “I find it abhorrent and I am absolutely outraged that the president would say such a thing” a democratic representative told Gatekeeper reporters. “I’m honestly just impressed that he can read.”
Harry Potter themed riots have since broken out on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial. Although seemingly hilarious, the riots have turned violent and are quickly getting out of hand.