By Mo Macsai-Goren
WASHINGTON-Literally tens of people showed up at the national mall this morning to watch an angry orange man become our nation’s leader.
The inauguration festivities began yesterday with a nine minute concert by the Canadian rock trio “Three Doors Down” as they performed their entire discography and ran into the early hours of this morning with the men of “Duck Dynasty” shooting fireworks off from the Capitol’s parking lot.
We have been briefed that they are being considered for top positions at The Pentagon.
A whopping 17 Americans covered the national mall as President Trump took the stage, swore in, and delivered a millennial-friendly speech where he cleared the air about his connections to Vladimir Putin.
“I am tremendously excited to say that I am not Russian,” Trump weirdly exclaimed, “In the words of my favorite millennial Harry Potter character, ‘I must not tell lies’.”
Trump was clearly quoting tyrannical and sadistic Hogwarts School professor Dolores Umbridge, who ultimately was working for the Minister of magic.
Democrats were absolutely floored by President Trump’s reference while Republicans seemed overjoyed. “I find it abhorrent and I am absolutely outraged that the president would say such a thing” a democratic representative told Gatekeeper reporters. “I’m honestly just impressed that he can read.”
Harry Potter themed riots have since broken out on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial. Although seemingly hilarious, the riots have turned violent and are quickly getting out of hand.