Nation’s Hooligans Announce Plans to Scamper

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By David Colton

EVERY WHICH WAY—This morning, the Hooligan Organization for Executives (HOE) issued a formal statement of intent to scamper, which was unanimously agreed upon by the Hooligan board.

Denny von Mouth, HOE Chairman said this event should come as no surprise to the committee.

“Having defined our Hooligan organization as a scamper-oriented pyramid scheme, we think our decision to scamper will go over quite well with the committee,” von Mouth said.

The news of HOE’s plans to scamper come just months after the Hooligans’ first obstacle as an organization, which was unionizing. Since the group officially unionized last fall, they have staged strikes directly outside of the Bigwigs’ homes on every major holiday.

“Those foolish little imps wouldn’t stand a chance against Quintin and his professional falconry training,” said Bellevue Cobblestone III, a large, snooty British man in tight clothes.

Cobblestone is, of course, referring to the falcon he purchases annually for his son Quintin–a new one every year– part of what he considers to be a staple of the storied Cobblestone family history.

The Hooligans, however, seem to have plans of their own.

“After consulting the committee, we have determined that scampering about the neighborhood is effectively the smartest business decision moving forward,” said von Mouth, while mischievously crafting some sort of slingshot mechanism.

The Hooligans plan to scamper the first Tuesday of every week, and every other Wednesday in between the weeks when they scamper on Fridays as well, which is also every week.

So basically, Denny von Mouth says, every fuckin’ day.

“Look, it’s simple. We’re Hooligans. We scamper. It’s what we were born to do; it’s what we were elected to do. Nobody can change that, and nobody will—no matter how hard the committee tries.”

There is no voting process for the Hooligans nor any actual positions to which you can be elected. There is no committee.

Tonic Announces Plan to Reopen in Double-Wide Port-o-Potty

 

 

ADA-HANDICAP.pngBy David Colton

ONE OF THE CONSTRUCTION SITES—After nearly four months of flying under the radar, once-mildly-popular nightclub Tonic is set to reopen its doors this weekend—but there’s a twist.

Tonic’s owners say the new space really gives people the right idea about what they’re doing on a Friday night.

“Yeah, we’re pretty much being straight up with people about this new theme,” said owner Deuce MaChonk, “that being that it’s literally a toilet.”

Tonic closed last year due to unforeseen circumstances, such as nobody wanting to drink water and ice, or be surrounded entirely by necklace guys.

The new Tonic, which is set to open whenever whoever’s taking a constitutional in there is done, plans to feature new themed drinks such as toilet water and soap.

MaChonk says choosing the new format wasn’t easy.

“We thought about doing like a urinal cake type of special, but then we realized the obvious: people only like blue-flavored urinal cakes, and you can’t get those anywhere outside of Indiana. And let’s be honest, I don’t really feel like making that drive… would you?”

Students are already starting to flock to the new joint, eager to get an inside look before the doors open.

“This is like 10b but honestly better,” said Brittany Mink, “I’ve been waiting to have a sweaty, terrible time forever, and I’m so glad Tonic is back.”

MaChonk says that even though he knows his last business model didn’t go to well, this time he has a new way of ensuring he makes his money back: $250 cover.

10 “Literally Died” last night in Greektown

crime-scene.jpgby Garrett Dvorkin

FOURLOKO- To most Mizzou students, the night of September 23rd was an average night, but in the greek community there was tragedy. After a night filled with jerseys and jungle juice, the “literally died last night” toll has continued to rise. Although there was no connection found between the victims’ sororities or hair color, all 10 girls were seen “slapping the bag” at some point in the night.

The Gatekeeper news team spoke with freshman Rachel Lewis of Tri Nu about last night’s chaos.

“Pike was beyond lit last night. Their theme was so original! It was jerseys and prostitutes. We stopped by TKE for some free booze before went to Pike. Everyone was so wasted. Oh, and then they played Chainsmokers and Justin Bieber, so I knew it was where I wanted to be. You have to look at my Snapchat Story…….”

The interview lasted an incredible three hours even though we only asked four questions.

Rachel and other freshman have been forced to “die” in Greektown due to the new bouncers at 10 Below and Roxy’s.

“My friend Kyle who’s a Delt was roommates with the bouncer at MyHouse. We were gonna go and flirt with the guys getting bottle service but that bitch Rebecca got denied” said Lewis.

“Yeah,” remarked Lewis’ friend Dennis, “what a bitch.”

This was a shock to MU, who has been hoping “literal deaths” would be down this year. Chief of Police Bob Douche was quoted, saying:

“Sure, some people think this stat isn’t that important. But I tell them just to look at the snapchat stories from last night and see those girls literally being killed right before your eyes…..it’s truly haunting.”

Although many of the victims went on record saying “I’m never drinking again,” almost all of the victims were seen at Fieldhouse the next morning for bottomless mimosa’s.

 

Mizzou Football Program Announces Relocation to Los Angeles

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by Garrett Dvorkin

COLUMBIA– It is a sad day for central Missouri. Coach Barry Odom announced earlier today that the Mizzou football team will be moving to LA for the next football season. This is a sort of Deja Vu for many Missouri residents who saw their beloved Rams leave for Los Angeles two years ago.

Mizzou will join USC playing their home games at the LA Colosseum. Even though it doesn’t make sense logistically, it was the only stadium where they could dump the Tigers. Mizzou will play their home games at the Colosseum until their new $3billion stadium is completed in some LA ghetto. UM system’s president Mun Choi expounded why the University of Missouri decided to move saying,

“This team can’t continue to survive in Central Missouri. This is going to be great for our program and our fans will learn to love this move. Sure USC and UCLA are already there, but look at the Chargers, there is a long history of unnecessary relocations to LA that we are very proud to be apart of.”

Although there are very few Mizzou fans in Los Angeles, Odom didn’t think that this would be a problem. “LA fans are used to being forced to root for a team that decided randomly to relocate there. We believe that if we can become trendy enough we have a shot to compete here.”

Stan Kroenke was ecstatic about the recent news. Kroenke who moved the Rams to La only a few years ago was happy that Missouri lost another program saying, “Yeah it really hurt those St.Louis pussies when I took their NFL team from them. Now they are losing their college football team too? Thats just a dream come true.”