Dead man makes it six days slumped in student center basement

IMG_0045-1.jpeg

By David Colton

LEATHER CHAIR—Authorities Sunday morning identified the body of 38-year old Barley K. Mouth, whose sleep-like appearance prevented students from recognizing that the rare coin collector was actually dead.

“We knew Barley was going to die in that chair,” said Linda Mouth, Barley’s longtime lover and work associate. “I don’t think he knew, though.”

Barley’s cause of death was technically unknown, although The Gatekeeper has received reports via anonymous tips that he was set on participating in an internet phenomenon known as “Galoshing.”

Unfortunately, “Galoshing” has nothing to do with galoshes, but actually involves ingesting as many canisters of Tostitos Spinach Dip as possible over the course of six hours. Mouth, as it turns out, was set on becoming the record holder—but he knew he might have to pay a deadly consequence.tostitos-dip-creamy-spinach.png

“Yeah, it’s too bad that guy died or whatever, but he honestly had no chance compared to this dope shit right here,” said Trace DuToot, who requested that we omit passing gas jokes.

DuToot is the defending champion of the North and Central American division of the International Galoshing Society, and last year downed a haunting 45 jars of spinach dip. Trace also says he has no plans of backing down from his most recent threat, issued over Google Plus, to galosh at Mouth’s funeral.

Authorities believe that although they did not find any evidence of Tostitos Spinach Dip around the scene of Barley’s death, a postmortem revealed nearly four pounds of an unknown chip dip. It wasn’t until the official autopsy that MU Officials finally revealed that the dip was, in fact, Tostitos Spinach Dip.

MU Chairman of Spinach Operations Norton Chest sent a campus-wide e-mail Sunday afternoon:

“Dear Students, we are so incredibly saddened to hear that Barley K. Mouth, a longtime friend of the University, was killed by spinach dip this weekend in the Student Center. Luckily, Barley had just finished paying off his loans, so thank god, am I right?

Anyway, there will be a candlelit vigil in Jesse hall, and I have personally requested that coroners allow me to present the body in open casket; and I dully request that each of you brings a container of Tostito’s Spinach Dip in order to honor the body of Barley by spreading it all over him. Thus, he can finally be at peace, and we can return to normal spinach operations.

In the meantime, we ask only that you galosh responsibly and always keep your nose tuned for the distinct scent of death, in case this were to happen again. Six days is a long time, I’m just saying. Like, people definitely go down there every day and hang out in the same spots, right? Did he look that much like he was sleeping? Whatever. Good luck, and be careful with the spinach, kids.

Yours truly, Norton Chest

Luickily for the Mouth family, Gatekeeper reporters discovered through revolutionary in-depth reporting the amount of spinach dip that Barley ate that fateful Tuesday afternoon, and the answer is 65. 65 full jars of Tostito’s Spinach Dip in approximately two hours, and Barley’s heart stopped.

So why did Barley keep going after breaking the record? Linda Mouth knows.

“He just loved the game that much… he was willing to die for spinach dip.”

Vince, I don’t want you coming near me or my nephew ever again.

-2c3b6f40bb20c01f.jpg

By Tony Fadoosh

Now, Vinny, I know we’ve known each other for some time now, but what you did yesterday morning was simply impermissible. We’re both reasonable people, Vin. At least that’s what I thought. I don’t have any idea where you got that sick, twisted idea or where you even got that much cottage cheese.

I don’t want any hard feelings between the two of us, but I’m sorry to tell you that you won’t be able to see Bobby ever again. And I won’t ever be able to look you in the eyes ever again, so I won’t be able to see you either. And, unfortunately, he won’t ever be able to see cottage cheese again.

I want you to pack up your things from the third floor pantry and get your sausage links out of the fridge by two-thirty tomorrow, or I’m callin’ the cops. And this time, I’ll make sure the cop doesn’t like cottage cheese. I’m gonna put in a special request, in advance, for a cop who doesn’t like cottage cheese, just so I can make sure he gets your ass for good. And I’ve put in cop requests before. It’s not like this is just some ‘thing’ that I’m making up, this is the real deal. Actually, you know what they need? An app. That’s how you get the word out there, have people getting it on their phones and stuff, then you could make cop requests super easy. I’m gonna write them a letter.

Anyway, you and all of your various food items need to be out of the duplex by two-thirty, or else I’m going to lock you in Bobby’s bedroom and make you experience the absolute catastrophe of a gas giant you created. Don’t leave any shit behind either, because I know you like that shit. I know you like to leave behind your shirts and shit so you have an excuse to come back and feed my nephew more cottage cheese, but no more.

So I’ll say it one more time: keep your mattress out of my pantry and your liquid cheese away from adolescents.

Regards,

Tony

 

Child Fills Up on Bread

321021_best_kid_restaurant_0.jpg

By David Colton

NORTHBROOK—A mother frustrated. A waiter tapping his pen. A father on his phone. A chaotic scene, with a cause more sinister than it appears.

10-year old Billy Stooble hadn’t eaten all day—at least, not since his breakfast of plain Eggos and Yogurt. But he’d pranced around the soccer pitch all day; he deserved to feast like a true champion.

He had specifically requested Giovanni Randazzo’s Italian Bistro, because it’s well known that Gio’s has the best mac n cheese and root beer—but what Gaylord and Helena Stooble didn’t see coming was the worst possible pre-meal preparation: a sliced baguette and a little basket of plastic butter containers.

“It was like the waiter had just set down the most valuable jewel in the Realm, and if he was the top Jewel Seeker,” said Dr. Mulligan Snots, who was seen devouring a calzone nearby.

Against his parents’ warning, the young Stooble snatched up nearly seven pieces of the sliced baguette, leaving only the “butt” and, of course, all of the “gross brown bread” for his four-year old sister.

“Yeah, that was a real ballsy move,” said Gaylord Stooble, Billy’s father, “I did not expect him to fuck Sarah over like that—I mean… that shit was cold.”

By the time the waiter returned to take the family’s order, Billy was already halfway through his second bread refill, and yet did not hesitate to be the first to blurt out his order, demanding pasta and French fries.

Helena tried to stop him, but the damage Billy had inflicted was already done—the waiter had moved on to her husband.

“Oh, I knew I wouldn’t be able to eat all of that right then. Are you kidding me? Mac n Cheese and French fries? That’s a ridiculous amount of food. But, I like to challenge myself, and I play to win,” said Billy, who would eventually fall asleep in the car ride home.

According to Dr. Snots, it was apparent that Billy drank two full glasses of root beer using the straw, in addition to devouring eight to ten pieces of bread and six plastic butter containers, whose woeful demise was scattered across the red and white-checked tablecloth.

“That kid had no chance,” said Dr. Snots, “and trust me, this is a situation I’m familiar with in my profession. There was no way that bread was making it past the 15-minute mark.”

By the end of the night, Billy had eaten two full baguettes, two French fries and one bite of Mac n Cheese. The rest of the exquisite dish was allocated to a Styrofoam container, where it will eventually be forgotten in the back of the Stooble fridge, only to be eventually consumed by Gaylord.

Nation’s Hooligans Announce Plans to Scamper

support-group-1024x682.jpg

By David Colton

EVERY WHICH WAY—This morning, the Hooligan Organization for Executives (HOE) issued a formal statement of intent to scamper, which was unanimously agreed upon by the Hooligan board.

Denny von Mouth, HOE Chairman said this event should come as no surprise to the committee.

“Having defined our Hooligan organization as a scamper-oriented pyramid scheme, we think our decision to scamper will go over quite well with the committee,” von Mouth said.

The news of HOE’s plans to scamper come just months after the Hooligans’ first obstacle as an organization, which was unionizing. Since the group officially unionized last fall, they have staged strikes directly outside of the Bigwigs’ homes on every major holiday.

“Those foolish little imps wouldn’t stand a chance against Quintin and his professional falconry training,” said Bellevue Cobblestone III, a large, snooty British man in tight clothes.

Cobblestone is, of course, referring to the falcon he purchases annually for his son Quintin–a new one every year– part of what he considers to be a staple of the storied Cobblestone family history.

The Hooligans, however, seem to have plans of their own.

“After consulting the committee, we have determined that scampering about the neighborhood is effectively the smartest business decision moving forward,” said von Mouth, while mischievously crafting some sort of slingshot mechanism.

The Hooligans plan to scamper the first Tuesday of every week, and every other Wednesday in between the weeks when they scamper on Fridays as well, which is also every week.

So basically, Denny von Mouth says, every fuckin’ day.

“Look, it’s simple. We’re Hooligans. We scamper. It’s what we were born to do; it’s what we were elected to do. Nobody can change that, and nobody will—no matter how hard the committee tries.”

There is no voting process for the Hooligans nor any actual positions to which you can be elected. There is no committee.

Tonic Announces Plan to Reopen in Double-Wide Port-o-Potty

 

 

ADA-HANDICAP.pngBy David Colton

ONE OF THE CONSTRUCTION SITES—After nearly four months of flying under the radar, once-mildly-popular nightclub Tonic is set to reopen its doors this weekend—but there’s a twist.

Tonic’s owners say the new space really gives people the right idea about what they’re doing on a Friday night.

“Yeah, we’re pretty much being straight up with people about this new theme,” said owner Deuce MaChonk, “that being that it’s literally a toilet.”

Tonic closed last year due to unforeseen circumstances, such as nobody wanting to drink water and ice, or be surrounded entirely by necklace guys.

The new Tonic, which is set to open whenever whoever’s taking a constitutional in there is done, plans to feature new themed drinks such as toilet water and soap.

MaChonk says choosing the new format wasn’t easy.

“We thought about doing like a urinal cake type of special, but then we realized the obvious: people only like blue-flavored urinal cakes, and you can’t get those anywhere outside of Indiana. And let’s be honest, I don’t really feel like making that drive… would you?”

Students are already starting to flock to the new joint, eager to get an inside look before the doors open.

“This is like 10b but honestly better,” said Brittany Mink, “I’ve been waiting to have a sweaty, terrible time forever, and I’m so glad Tonic is back.”

MaChonk says that even though he knows his last business model didn’t go to well, this time he has a new way of ensuring he makes his money back: $250 cover.

10 “Literally Died” last night in Greektown

crime-scene.jpgby Garrett Dvorkin

FOURLOKO- To most Mizzou students, the night of September 23rd was an average night, but in the greek community there was tragedy. After a night filled with jerseys and jungle juice, the “literally died last night” toll has continued to rise. Although there was no connection found between the victims’ sororities or hair color, all 10 girls were seen “slapping the bag” at some point in the night.

The Gatekeeper news team spoke with freshman Rachel Lewis of Tri Nu about last night’s chaos.

“Pike was beyond lit last night. Their theme was so original! It was jerseys and prostitutes. We stopped by TKE for some free booze before went to Pike. Everyone was so wasted. Oh, and then they played Chainsmokers and Justin Bieber, so I knew it was where I wanted to be. You have to look at my Snapchat Story…….”

The interview lasted an incredible three hours even though we only asked four questions.

Rachel and other freshman have been forced to “die” in Greektown due to the new bouncers at 10 Below and Roxy’s.

“My friend Kyle who’s a Delt was roommates with the bouncer at MyHouse. We were gonna go and flirt with the guys getting bottle service but that bitch Rebecca got denied” said Lewis.

“Yeah,” remarked Lewis’ friend Dennis, “what a bitch.”

This was a shock to MU, who has been hoping “literal deaths” would be down this year. Chief of Police Bob Douche was quoted, saying:

“Sure, some people think this stat isn’t that important. But I tell them just to look at the snapchat stories from last night and see those girls literally being killed right before your eyes…..it’s truly haunting.”

Although many of the victims went on record saying “I’m never drinking again,” almost all of the victims were seen at Fieldhouse the next morning for bottomless mimosa’s.

 

Mizzou Football Program Announces Relocation to Los Angeles

LockWood

by Garrett Dvorkin

COLUMBIA– It is a sad day for central Missouri. Coach Barry Odom announced earlier today that the Mizzou football team will be moving to LA for the next football season. This is a sort of Deja Vu for many Missouri residents who saw their beloved Rams leave for Los Angeles two years ago.

Mizzou will join USC playing their home games at the LA Colosseum. Even though it doesn’t make sense logistically, it was the only stadium where they could dump the Tigers. Mizzou will play their home games at the Colosseum until their new $3billion stadium is completed in some LA ghetto. UM system’s president Mun Choi expounded why the University of Missouri decided to move saying,

“This team can’t continue to survive in Central Missouri. This is going to be great for our program and our fans will learn to love this move. Sure USC and UCLA are already there, but look at the Chargers, there is a long history of unnecessary relocations to LA that we are very proud to be apart of.”

Although there are very few Mizzou fans in Los Angeles, Odom didn’t think that this would be a problem. “LA fans are used to being forced to root for a team that decided randomly to relocate there. We believe that if we can become trendy enough we have a shot to compete here.”

Stan Kroenke was ecstatic about the recent news. Kroenke who moved the Rams to La only a few years ago was happy that Missouri lost another program saying, “Yeah it really hurt those St.Louis pussies when I took their NFL team from them. Now they are losing their college football team too? Thats just a dream come true.”

 

Greek Week sprinter breaks leg, teammates forced to euthanize third pussy this week

fratboys.jpg

By David Colton

THE QUAD—After several weeks of showing up to practice drunk and hitting on girls who clearly aren’t interested, local frat lord Bryce Powers broke his leg on the first step of the 10-meter sprint Saturday morning.

Bryce’s teammates—for the most part Devon and Kyle—were forced to kill Bryce, as his display of “pussy shit” simply didn’t provide enough testosterone to adequately satisfy his bretheren.

“Yeah, we’ve had to kill a couple of other losers this week, but those were pledges so who gives a shit?!” exclaimed Devon Winters, reigning champion of the program’s famed whiteness contest.

The pledges who were killed earlier this week have long since been forgotten, according to active member Geoff Fox.

“Those fucks? Oh yeah, I haven’t thought about them since the funeral on Sunday.”

The funeral on Sunday was held at Big 12, in order to accommodate the necessary dollar beers and burgers.

MUPD, however, doesn’t seem overly concerned with the murders and has remained steadily focused on increasing the number of officers who patrol parking lots trying to arrest kids for smoking weed.

“We have very serious matters to attend to,” said MUPD officer Boris White, “if we don’t pull over every single car that drives down Rollins, what are we supposed to do?”

Bryce’s funeral will be held either Friday or Saturday at Field House, depending which night has better deals.

Area Dad Will Pull This Car Over

unnamed.jpg

By Mo Macsai-Goren


CLEVELAND-Tensions were high this evening as Robert Scump, father of three, finally put his foot down.

“I have had it up to here,” Scump proclaimed as his children once again entered a frivolous argument about what restaurant they were going to.

“I’m tired of this bickering and so help me god, I will pull this car over,” Scump said into the rearview mirror of his swamp colored 1998 Toyota Sienna.

Scump is known for his good-natured demeanor and ability to eat an entire Whole Foods rotisserie chicken, so this outbreak came as a surprise to everyone.

While his three children fell silent, Scump breathed a sigh of relief before claiming that there was plenty of food in the fridge.

This seemingly motivated his children, who quickly resolved their differences and decided that The Cheesecake Factory was the restaurant of choice for the evening. 

This event marks Robert Scump’s third threat to pull the car over this month and fourteenth parental threat overall.

* Others include “Only thirty minutes of computer time” and “no sleepovers” but he has yet to act on any of these.

It is safe to say that as assertive as Robert may seem, he definitely will not do anything about it ever.

Scump’s children were unavailable for comment.

Trump Cites Dolores Umbridge in Inauguration Speech

Screen Shot 2017-01-20 at 6.51.04 PM.png

By Mo Macsai-Goren

WASHINGTON-Literally tens of people showed up at the national mall this morning to watch an angry orange man become our nation’s leader.

The inauguration festivities began yesterday with a nine minute concert by the Canadian rock trio “Three Doors Down” as they performed their entire discography and ran into the early hours of this morning with the men of “Duck Dynasty” shooting fireworks off from the Capitol’s parking lot.

We have been briefed that they are being considered for top positions at The Pentagon.

A whopping 17 Americans covered the national mall as President Trump took the stage, swore in, and delivered a millennial-friendly speech where he cleared the air about his connections to Vladimir Putin.

“I am tremendously excited to say that I am not Russian,” Trump weirdly exclaimed, “In the words of my favorite millennial  Harry Potter character, ‘I must not tell lies’.”

Trump was clearly quoting tyrannical and sadistic Hogwarts School professor Dolores Umbridge, who ultimately was working for the Minister of magic.

Democrats were absolutely floored by President Trump’s reference while Republicans seemed overjoyed. “I find it abhorrent and I am absolutely outraged that the president would say such a thing” a democratic representative told Gatekeeper reporters. “I’m honestly just impressed that he can read.”
Harry Potter themed riots have since broken out on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial. Although seemingly hilarious, the riots have turned violent and are quickly getting out of hand.