By David Colton
THE QUAD—After several weeks of showing up to practice drunk and hitting on girls who clearly aren’t interested, local frat lord Bryce Powers broke his leg on the first step of the 10-meter sprint Saturday morning.
Bryce’s teammates—for the most part Devon and Kyle—were forced to kill Bryce, as his display of “pussy shit” simply didn’t provide enough testosterone to adequately satisfy his bretheren.
“Yeah, we’ve had to kill a couple of other losers this week, but those were pledges so who gives a shit?!” exclaimed Devon Winters, reigning champion of the program’s famed whiteness contest.
The pledges who were killed earlier this week have long since been forgotten, according to active member Geoff Fox.
“Those fucks? Oh yeah, I haven’t thought about them since the funeral on Sunday.”
The funeral on Sunday was held at Big 12, in order to accommodate the necessary dollar beers and burgers.
MUPD, however, doesn’t seem overly concerned with the murders and has remained steadily focused on increasing the number of officers who patrol parking lots trying to arrest kids for smoking weed.
“We have very serious matters to attend to,” said MUPD officer Boris White, “if we don’t pull over every single car that drives down Rollins, what are we supposed to do?”
Bryce’s funeral will be held either Friday or Saturday at Field House, depending which night has better deals.