Nation’s Hooligans Announce Plans to Scamper

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By David Colton

EVERY WHICH WAY—This morning, the Hooligan Organization for Executives (HOE) issued a formal statement of intent to scamper, which was unanimously agreed upon by the Hooligan board.

Denny von Mouth, HOE Chairman said this event should come as no surprise to the committee.

“Having defined our Hooligan organization as a scamper-oriented pyramid scheme, we think our decision to scamper will go over quite well with the committee,” von Mouth said.

The news of HOE’s plans to scamper come just months after the Hooligans’ first obstacle as an organization, which was unionizing. Since the group officially unionized last fall, they have staged strikes directly outside of the Bigwigs’ homes on every major holiday.

“Those foolish little imps wouldn’t stand a chance against Quintin and his professional falconry training,” said Bellevue Cobblestone III, a large, snooty British man in tight clothes.

Cobblestone is, of course, referring to the falcon he purchases annually for his son Quintin–a new one every year– part of what he considers to be a staple of the storied Cobblestone family history.

The Hooligans, however, seem to have plans of their own.

“After consulting the committee, we have determined that scampering about the neighborhood is effectively the smartest business decision moving forward,” said von Mouth, while mischievously crafting some sort of slingshot mechanism.

The Hooligans plan to scamper the first Tuesday of every week, and every other Wednesday in between the weeks when they scamper on Fridays as well, which is also every week.

So basically, Denny von Mouth says, every fuckin’ day.

“Look, it’s simple. We’re Hooligans. We scamper. It’s what we were born to do; it’s what we were elected to do. Nobody can change that, and nobody will—no matter how hard the committee tries.”

There is no voting process for the Hooligans nor any actual positions to which you can be elected. There is no committee.

Tonic Announces Plan to Reopen in Double-Wide Port-o-Potty

 

 

ADA-HANDICAP.pngBy David Colton

ONE OF THE CONSTRUCTION SITES—After nearly four months of flying under the radar, once-mildly-popular nightclub Tonic is set to reopen its doors this weekend—but there’s a twist.

Tonic’s owners say the new space really gives people the right idea about what they’re doing on a Friday night.

“Yeah, we’re pretty much being straight up with people about this new theme,” said owner Deuce MaChonk, “that being that it’s literally a toilet.”

Tonic closed last year due to unforeseen circumstances, such as nobody wanting to drink water and ice, or be surrounded entirely by necklace guys.

The new Tonic, which is set to open whenever whoever’s taking a constitutional in there is done, plans to feature new themed drinks such as toilet water and soap.

MaChonk says choosing the new format wasn’t easy.

“We thought about doing like a urinal cake type of special, but then we realized the obvious: people only like blue-flavored urinal cakes, and you can’t get those anywhere outside of Indiana. And let’s be honest, I don’t really feel like making that drive… would you?”

Students are already starting to flock to the new joint, eager to get an inside look before the doors open.

“This is like 10b but honestly better,” said Brittany Mink, “I’ve been waiting to have a sweaty, terrible time forever, and I’m so glad Tonic is back.”

MaChonk says that even though he knows his last business model didn’t go to well, this time he has a new way of ensuring he makes his money back: $250 cover.

10 “Literally Died” last night in Greektown

crime-scene.jpgby Garrett Dvorkin

FOURLOKO- To most Mizzou students, the night of September 23rd was an average night, but in the greek community there was tragedy. After a night filled with jerseys and jungle juice, the “literally died last night” toll has continued to rise. Although there was no connection found between the victims’ sororities or hair color, all 10 girls were seen “slapping the bag” at some point in the night.

The Gatekeeper news team spoke with freshman Rachel Lewis of Tri Nu about last night’s chaos.

“Pike was beyond lit last night. Their theme was so original! It was jerseys and prostitutes. We stopped by TKE for some free booze before went to Pike. Everyone was so wasted. Oh, and then they played Chainsmokers and Justin Bieber, so I knew it was where I wanted to be. You have to look at my Snapchat Story…….”

The interview lasted an incredible three hours even though we only asked four questions.

Rachel and other freshman have been forced to “die” in Greektown due to the new bouncers at 10 Below and Roxy’s.

“My friend Kyle who’s a Delt was roommates with the bouncer at MyHouse. We were gonna go and flirt with the guys getting bottle service but that bitch Rebecca got denied” said Lewis.

“Yeah,” remarked Lewis’ friend Dennis, “what a bitch.”

This was a shock to MU, who has been hoping “literal deaths” would be down this year. Chief of Police Bob Douche was quoted, saying:

“Sure, some people think this stat isn’t that important. But I tell them just to look at the snapchat stories from last night and see those girls literally being killed right before your eyes…..it’s truly haunting.”

Although many of the victims went on record saying “I’m never drinking again,” almost all of the victims were seen at Fieldhouse the next morning for bottomless mimosa’s.

 

Mizzou Football Program Announces Relocation to Los Angeles

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by Garrett Dvorkin

COLUMBIA– It is a sad day for central Missouri. Coach Barry Odom announced earlier today that the Mizzou football team will be moving to LA for the next football season. This is a sort of Deja Vu for many Missouri residents who saw their beloved Rams leave for Los Angeles two years ago.

Mizzou will join USC playing their home games at the LA Colosseum. Even though it doesn’t make sense logistically, it was the only stadium where they could dump the Tigers. Mizzou will play their home games at the Colosseum until their new $3billion stadium is completed in some LA ghetto. UM system’s president Mun Choi expounded why the University of Missouri decided to move saying,

“This team can’t continue to survive in Central Missouri. This is going to be great for our program and our fans will learn to love this move. Sure USC and UCLA are already there, but look at the Chargers, there is a long history of unnecessary relocations to LA that we are very proud to be apart of.”

Although there are very few Mizzou fans in Los Angeles, Odom didn’t think that this would be a problem. “LA fans are used to being forced to root for a team that decided randomly to relocate there. We believe that if we can become trendy enough we have a shot to compete here.”

Stan Kroenke was ecstatic about the recent news. Kroenke who moved the Rams to La only a few years ago was happy that Missouri lost another program saying, “Yeah it really hurt those St.Louis pussies when I took their NFL team from them. Now they are losing their college football team too? Thats just a dream come true.”

 

Greek Week sprinter breaks leg, teammates forced to euthanize third pussy this week

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By David Colton

THE QUAD—After several weeks of showing up to practice drunk and hitting on girls who clearly aren’t interested, local frat lord Bryce Powers broke his leg on the first step of the 10-meter sprint Saturday morning.

Bryce’s teammates—for the most part Devon and Kyle—were forced to kill Bryce, as his display of “pussy shit” simply didn’t provide enough testosterone to adequately satisfy his bretheren.

“Yeah, we’ve had to kill a couple of other losers this week, but those were pledges so who gives a shit?!” exclaimed Devon Winters, reigning champion of the program’s famed whiteness contest.

The pledges who were killed earlier this week have long since been forgotten, according to active member Geoff Fox.

“Those fucks? Oh yeah, I haven’t thought about them since the funeral on Sunday.”

The funeral on Sunday was held at Big 12, in order to accommodate the necessary dollar beers and burgers.

MUPD, however, doesn’t seem overly concerned with the murders and has remained steadily focused on increasing the number of officers who patrol parking lots trying to arrest kids for smoking weed.

“We have very serious matters to attend to,” said MUPD officer Boris White, “if we don’t pull over every single car that drives down Rollins, what are we supposed to do?”

Bryce’s funeral will be held either Friday or Saturday at Field House, depending which night has better deals.

Area Dad Will Pull This Car Over

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By Mo Macsai-Goren


CLEVELAND-Tensions were high this evening as Robert Scump, father of three, finally put his foot down.

“I have had it up to here,” Scump proclaimed as his children once again entered a frivolous argument about what restaurant they were going to.

“I’m tired of this bickering and so help me god, I will pull this car over,” Scump said into the rearview mirror of his swamp colored 1998 Toyota Sienna.

Scump is known for his good-natured demeanor and ability to eat an entire Whole Foods rotisserie chicken, so this outbreak came as a surprise to everyone.

While his three children fell silent, Scump breathed a sigh of relief before claiming that there was plenty of food in the fridge.

This seemingly motivated his children, who quickly resolved their differences and decided that The Cheesecake Factory was the restaurant of choice for the evening. 

This event marks Robert Scump’s third threat to pull the car over this month and fourteenth parental threat overall.

* Others include “Only thirty minutes of computer time” and “no sleepovers” but he has yet to act on any of these.

It is safe to say that as assertive as Robert may seem, he definitely will not do anything about it ever.

Scump’s children were unavailable for comment.

Trump Cites Dolores Umbridge in Inauguration Speech

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By Mo Macsai-Goren

WASHINGTON-Literally tens of people showed up at the national mall this morning to watch an angry orange man become our nation’s leader.

The inauguration festivities began yesterday with a nine minute concert by the Canadian rock trio “Three Doors Down” as they performed their entire discography and ran into the early hours of this morning with the men of “Duck Dynasty” shooting fireworks off from the Capitol’s parking lot.

We have been briefed that they are being considered for top positions at The Pentagon.

A whopping 17 Americans covered the national mall as President Trump took the stage, swore in, and delivered a millennial-friendly speech where he cleared the air about his connections to Vladimir Putin.

“I am tremendously excited to say that I am not Russian,” Trump weirdly exclaimed, “In the words of my favorite millennial  Harry Potter character, ‘I must not tell lies’.”

Trump was clearly quoting tyrannical and sadistic Hogwarts School professor Dolores Umbridge, who ultimately was working for the Minister of magic.

Democrats were absolutely floored by President Trump’s reference while Republicans seemed overjoyed. “I find it abhorrent and I am absolutely outraged that the president would say such a thing” a democratic representative told Gatekeeper reporters. “I’m honestly just impressed that he can read.”
Harry Potter themed riots have since broken out on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial. Although seemingly hilarious, the riots have turned violent and are quickly getting out of hand.  

Chair With Wheels Easily Best Part About Mom’s Office

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By David Colton

NORMAL, IL – Following several trips around the small grey building, reports confirmed Wednesday that the spinny chair in Mom’s office was easily the most entertaining part of the windowless maze of cubicles.

The reports discovered that despite the presence of a small, sad café in the lobby of the building, as well as a Ferrari calendar in Derek’s cubicle, the chair presented the most entertaining option.

“Honey, why don’t you and Derek take turns spinning each other in the chair?” says Mom, who constantly deflects questions about Derek’s status as ‘new dad.’

Derek, who says his hair loss is genetic and he can’t do anything about it, doesn’t want to spin too fast or else he may throw up.

“I don’t get what the big deal is, I get motion sickness very easily,” explains Derek, “but I’ll still have a fun time with the kiddo.”

After four hours spinning on the chair, Derek insisted we look through pictures of his old family, as well as play with his minor-league bobbleheads.

”I love these things,” says Derek, gesturing to an unnamed player from the Kane County Cougars, “The admission to the game is a little steep, but they make up for it every time with these bad boys.”

Donald Trump Appoints ’91 Buick LeSabre to Secretary of Transportation

 

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By David Colton

WASHINGTON – After several minutes of deliberation and multiple test drives, Trump announced his pick for Secretary of Transportation Monday.

“I’m just glad I got someone to take it off my hands,” says Dale Jackson, who sold the President-Elect the vehicle, “I’m positive this is for a good cause.”

Trump, who already only has $2,000 left in the White House cabinet budget, says the pick was a personal one.

“I met this man, and he says to me, look, I’ve got a very very good deal on a very very nice car,” says Mr. Trump, “and so I say ‘look, you know, how is this for transportation?’ He told me it was very very good at transportation, and at that point I knew it was the perfect fit.”

Despite multiple attempts to explain to Trump that the position should be delegated to a person, not a car, the President-Elect insisted that the Beige ’91 LeSabre was the man for the job.

Trump announced the pick Monday morning at a press conference outside of a Denny’s.

“Look, people, it’s simple. People do not have wheels. Cars have wheels. Wheels transport you. If I appoint a man to the job, you look me dead and the eyes and tell me he’ll be able to work as quickly as a car. Exactly.”

Uncrustable Causes Student to Attend Therapy

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by Elizabeth Quinn

COLUMBIA – During a brisk fall afternoon in the Student Center, MU student Kyle Kerkansas unpacked his lunch of an Uncrustable and leftover Gumby’s pizza.

“I didn’t see it coming,” Kerkansas said. “I hope that never happens to anyone ever again.”

The unpackaged Uncrustable revealed the betrayal of the beloved Smucker’s family – a crusted sandwich.

Kerkansas has never been a fan of crust. Ever since he was 5 years old, his mother would cut the crust off his sandwiches.

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“My mom told me to buy Uncrustables since she isn’t here to cut the crust off herself,” Kerkansas said. The student now spends his Wednesday afternoons in the counseling center talking to his therapist on ways to trust again.

“Kyle has come a long way from where we began,” Nancy Merryweather, Kerkansas’ therapist, said.

“Thankfully, he’s not buying frozen food anymore, but by the end of our sessions, I hope to see Kyle buying a loaf of bread to cut the crust off himself.”

Kerkansas is not the only student that has been betrayed by refrigerated food. According to the counseling center’s documents, there are at least 43 other reports of trust issues with chilled meals.

Student Melanie Newborn bought a package of frozen lasagna from Walmart. When she opened the package, she was shocked. There, sitting in the package, was a slice of wet, thawed, lasagna.

“I just don’t understand why the companies continue to lie to us,” Newborn said. “I paid a good $3 for this food. I don’t deserve this!”

 

Smucker’s has yet to comment.