Tonic Announces Plan to Reopen in Double-Wide Port-o-Potty

 

 

ADA-HANDICAP.pngBy David Colton

ONE OF THE CONSTRUCTION SITES—After nearly four months of flying under the radar, once-mildly-popular nightclub Tonic is set to reopen its doors this weekend—but there’s a twist.

Tonic’s owners say the new space really gives people the right idea about what they’re doing on a Friday night.

“Yeah, we’re pretty much being straight up with people about this new theme,” said owner Deuce MaChonk, “that being that it’s literally a toilet.”

Tonic closed last year due to unforeseen circumstances, such as nobody wanting to drink water and ice, or be surrounded entirely by necklace guys.

The new Tonic, which is set to open whenever whoever’s taking a constitutional in there is done, plans to feature new themed drinks such as toilet water and soap.

MaChonk says choosing the new format wasn’t easy.

“We thought about doing like a urinal cake type of special, but then we realized the obvious: people only like blue-flavored urinal cakes, and you can’t get those anywhere outside of Indiana. And let’s be honest, I don’t really feel like making that drive… would you?”

Students are already starting to flock to the new joint, eager to get an inside look before the doors open.

“This is like 10b but honestly better,” said Brittany Mink, “I’ve been waiting to have a sweaty, terrible time forever, and I’m so glad Tonic is back.”

MaChonk says that even though he knows his last business model didn’t go to well, this time he has a new way of ensuring he makes his money back: $250 cover.

Greek Week sprinter breaks leg, teammates forced to euthanize third pussy this week

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By David Colton

THE QUAD—After several weeks of showing up to practice drunk and hitting on girls who clearly aren’t interested, local frat lord Bryce Powers broke his leg on the first step of the 10-meter sprint Saturday morning.

Bryce’s teammates—for the most part Devon and Kyle—were forced to kill Bryce, as his display of “pussy shit” simply didn’t provide enough testosterone to adequately satisfy his bretheren.

“Yeah, we’ve had to kill a couple of other losers this week, but those were pledges so who gives a shit?!” exclaimed Devon Winters, reigning champion of the program’s famed whiteness contest.

The pledges who were killed earlier this week have long since been forgotten, according to active member Geoff Fox.

“Those fucks? Oh yeah, I haven’t thought about them since the funeral on Sunday.”

The funeral on Sunday was held at Big 12, in order to accommodate the necessary dollar beers and burgers.

MUPD, however, doesn’t seem overly concerned with the murders and has remained steadily focused on increasing the number of officers who patrol parking lots trying to arrest kids for smoking weed.

“We have very serious matters to attend to,” said MUPD officer Boris White, “if we don’t pull over every single car that drives down Rollins, what are we supposed to do?”

Bryce’s funeral will be held either Friday or Saturday at Field House, depending which night has better deals.

Celery wins 8th consecutive title for least interesting food

By David Colton

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INDIANA, USA – After months of deliberation between judges, the Vegetable Advocate Group announced Thursday that the 2015 title for least interesting food would be retained by Celery, who came out on top of a narrow race with water (ice form).

Celery representatives were thrilled to receive the honor for the eighth consecutive year, celebrating with a little ranch and maybe even some cheese whiz.

“We’re beyond honored,” said celery advocate Lint Lemming, “people are finally starting to understand that when you eat celery, you’re actually losing calories!”

Water (ice form) representatives could not be reached following the tight race, which was championed in the closing moments by celery when people realized that it really wasn’t even that good with ranch.

Water (ice form), on the other hand, goes stunningly with almost any beverage, and its only selling point in this competition was that it sort of ruins milk.

This competition was televised on the hotel menu screen of several Drury Inn & Suites across the Midwest, and received the highest ratings it has since the great tomato discrepancy of 1988.

Kid who knew how to draw a cool ‘s’ now a professional artist

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By David Colton

THE SAD FUTURE – Sources confirmed early Wednesday that Torrey Durt, who knew how to draw a cool ‘s’ in elementary school, has officially had his work accepted into the Museum of Contemporary Art in Chicago.

“There’s a lot more that goes into the stroke of a paintbrush than meets the eye,” said Durt, who is weirdly still friends with his middle school art teacher, “I really try to create something that jumps out and says ‘Youth is anarchy,’ you know?”

However, Durt, who spends most of his time hanging out under train tracks, has had more than one brush with fame.

“I used to have this sick piece over on the slide at Hinkson park,” said Durt, “But then the freakin’ pigs painted it over.”

The majority of his work, Durt says, is interpretive, and requires a high level of focus to understand. One piece in particular stands out to Durt.

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“It’s called ‘life’ because it represents death,” said Durt, “the interpretation itself is actually meant to be interpreted.”

Guy wearing white Oakley’s probably knows a couple people in Miami

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By David Colton

NIGHTTIME – While he ordered a vodka-Monster at the bar, sources confirmed Tuesday that Frankie Martinez, who is most likely wearing some sort of necklace, may know a couple people in Miami.

“Hey, you gotta keep supporting your bros, you know?” said Martinez, when answering the question ‘Where are you from?’

Despite several attempts to start a conversation with him, Martinez continues insisting on telling the story of his barbed-wire tattoo.

“It’s cool, you know, because the wire represents how I’m always wired in,” explains Martinez, “and now my arm is wired in too, you know what I’m saying?”

After spending the entire day staring at women poolside, Frankie says he likes to wind down by going to Tonic.

“Yeah, it’s nice because I don’t even have to take off the shades,” said Martinez, “half the people in there are also already wearing sunglasses.”

After we finally got to the question, Martinez assured us his uncle once knew someone from Miami.

Guy in Vineyard Vines & Sperry’s excited to make transition to Vineyard Vines & Tims

 

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By David Colton

GREEKTOWN – Early this morning, local Natty Light advocate and all-around savage Geoff Smalls made a decision that could alter the fashion world forever.

This morning, Geoff, whose name originally started with a ‘J’ but he got it changed, took advantage of the changing fall weather.

“It’s honestly dope how weather works,” explains Smalls, “I just love being able to express myself uniquely through what I wear.”

Geoff has made advancements to more than just his footwear though, also purchasing a few basketball jerseys to wear even in the winter.

“Yeah, my frat likes to keep the policy that every party is a jersey party,” explains Geoff, whose long hair somehow always looks wet, “it really ends up working out for us, because we all love sports!”

The shift from Sperry’s to Tims was not just a unique decision, but an informed one. Geoff’s brothers have all followed suit, and some have even started adding little personal touches, such as high white socks and backwards baseball hats.

“We’re really just glad we can express ourselves through what we wear,” said the fourth guy in 5 minutes, “we really feel that fashion is the most unique way of expressing yourself, no matter who you are.”

Man who knows how to play guitar doesn’t have to stop playing guitar to continue talking about playing guitar

 

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Photo by Haley Blase

By David Colton

KYLE’S BACKYARD – Sources confirmed Tuesday morning that Bryce Clad, self-described anklet connoisseur and longboard advocate, actually knows how to play the guitar.

By ‘sources,’ of course, we mean Bryce, who gave an interview while simultaneously struggling through “Sweet Home Alabama”

“People always talk about it like it’s some huge thing,” explains Clad, ”and I’m just like, you think I don’t know that?”

Clad, who has been playing for approximately 1 year, knows such classics as “Seven Nation Army” and “Back in Black,” but usually just spends his time vaguely picking G and C chords.

“Yeah, I was super into biking for a while, but then my bike got stolen back, so I picked up this guitar I took from an old guy,” says Clad, whose age remains comically ambiguous.

Instead of playing concerts or practicing on his own, Bryce likes to combine the two in public.

“It’s pretty tight, really,” explains Clad, “I just bring my axe wherever I go. I call it a ‘Practoncert.’ Good one, right?

Bryce’s friends, Kyle and Dirk, haven’t spoken in four hours.

5 fun things to do with your parents this weekend

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King me, mom and dad!

  1. Discuss the status of the Thompsons’ Divorce50872864-daughter-and-mature-parents-having-serious-talking-in-home-interior-Stock-Photo.jpg

I hear he’s letting her take the dog. Can you believe that?

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Get cheese, pepperoni, or even sausage! The possibilities are truly endless.

  1. Lie about how your classes are goingconnecting-with-your-kids.png

Your professor hasn’t put any exams put in yet, so the actual grade is higher than it looks.

  1. Give them an uncomfortable tour of your house23a0938c5e3caa943becf8ca98a28373.jpg

Make sure you forget to move your lotion off of your nightstand.

Guy in plain white T-shirt and jeans might have a knife

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By David Colton

SPEAKER’S CIRCLE – This morning, students on their way to class had a bit of a scare.

“I was walking, and I saw that guy standing there, and he just mouthed the words ‘I have a knife’” explains sophomore Georgio Philliniamani, “he didn’t seem angry or anything, just kind of like he wanted me to know he had it.”

Speaker’s Circle has always been known as a place where people of all backgrounds can come together; knife holders and civilians alike.

“Honestly this is what we’re all about,” explained interim administrator Rob Blagojevich, “we’re really just trying to make this campus more inclusive to kids of all demographics.”

The man was seen standing on the outskirts of speaker’s circle without a backpack, which some witnesses say is “a little unsettling.”

“I’ve just never seen someone wear that outfit that wasn’t either going to stab me or in a Hanes commercial, and I’ve just been praying Michael Jordan will come out from behind him and take the tag from his shirt; take him down a peg,” explains junior Ryan Goose.

UPDATE: He keeps doing this thing where he slicks his hair back and then snaps immediately after.

EDM enthusiast misinterprets enrollment drop

 

 

Tiquicia-Hit-Radio-guy-with-headphones.jpgBy David Colton

THE BLUE NOTE—Early this morning, local EDM advocator and MU student Thom Bulge expressed confusion about the drop in MU enrollment for 2016.

“I heard about the enrollment drop and god super psyched,” explains Thom, “I love hearing about new artists, and Enrollment is already one of my favorites.”

Bulge apparently thinks ‘Enrollment’ is a Progressive House side-project collaboration between DJ Lactaid and O.B.G.Y.N., two of the most well-known producers in the business.

“We’ve tried over and over again to explain to Thom that the enrollment drop is not sick,” explains Thom’s mother, Shauna Bulge, “but he just continues to insist that we just need to ‘wait for it,’ and I don’t even know what that means.

Somehow, even though he lived through the campus climate last fall, Bulge has no idea anything has changed at all.

“Honestly, I’m just pumped for Louis the Child to come dance in front of their computers again this month,” explains Bulge, “their drops are moderately sick.”

The Gatekeeper sat down with Bulge this week and explained to him that the enrollment drop was actually a drop in students attending MU, perpetuated by systematic oppression from positions of leadership and national media attention. Bulge, however, held constant to his stance, saying he “never even left Greektown,” because “why would he?”