Tonic Announces Plan to Reopen in Double-Wide Port-o-Potty

 

 

ADA-HANDICAP.pngBy David Colton

ONE OF THE CONSTRUCTION SITES—After nearly four months of flying under the radar, once-mildly-popular nightclub Tonic is set to reopen its doors this weekend—but there’s a twist.

Tonic’s owners say the new space really gives people the right idea about what they’re doing on a Friday night.

“Yeah, we’re pretty much being straight up with people about this new theme,” said owner Deuce MaChonk, “that being that it’s literally a toilet.”

Tonic closed last year due to unforeseen circumstances, such as nobody wanting to drink water and ice, or be surrounded entirely by necklace guys.

The new Tonic, which is set to open whenever whoever’s taking a constitutional in there is done, plans to feature new themed drinks such as toilet water and soap.

MaChonk says choosing the new format wasn’t easy.

“We thought about doing like a urinal cake type of special, but then we realized the obvious: people only like blue-flavored urinal cakes, and you can’t get those anywhere outside of Indiana. And let’s be honest, I don’t really feel like making that drive… would you?”

Students are already starting to flock to the new joint, eager to get an inside look before the doors open.

“This is like 10b but honestly better,” said Brittany Mink, “I’ve been waiting to have a sweaty, terrible time forever, and I’m so glad Tonic is back.”

MaChonk says that even though he knows his last business model didn’t go to well, this time he has a new way of ensuring he makes his money back: $250 cover.

Area Dad Will Pull This Car Over

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By Mo Macsai-Goren


CLEVELAND-Tensions were high this evening as Robert Scump, father of three, finally put his foot down.

“I have had it up to here,” Scump proclaimed as his children once again entered a frivolous argument about what restaurant they were going to.

“I’m tired of this bickering and so help me god, I will pull this car over,” Scump said into the rearview mirror of his swamp colored 1998 Toyota Sienna.

Scump is known for his good-natured demeanor and ability to eat an entire Whole Foods rotisserie chicken, so this outbreak came as a surprise to everyone.

While his three children fell silent, Scump breathed a sigh of relief before claiming that there was plenty of food in the fridge.

This seemingly motivated his children, who quickly resolved their differences and decided that The Cheesecake Factory was the restaurant of choice for the evening. 

This event marks Robert Scump’s third threat to pull the car over this month and fourteenth parental threat overall.

* Others include “Only thirty minutes of computer time” and “no sleepovers” but he has yet to act on any of these.

It is safe to say that as assertive as Robert may seem, he definitely will not do anything about it ever.

Scump’s children were unavailable for comment.

Donald Trump Appoints ’91 Buick LeSabre to Secretary of Transportation

 

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By David Colton

WASHINGTON – After several minutes of deliberation and multiple test drives, Trump announced his pick for Secretary of Transportation Monday.

“I’m just glad I got someone to take it off my hands,” says Dale Jackson, who sold the President-Elect the vehicle, “I’m positive this is for a good cause.”

Trump, who already only has $2,000 left in the White House cabinet budget, says the pick was a personal one.

“I met this man, and he says to me, look, I’ve got a very very good deal on a very very nice car,” says Mr. Trump, “and so I say ‘look, you know, how is this for transportation?’ He told me it was very very good at transportation, and at that point I knew it was the perfect fit.”

Despite multiple attempts to explain to Trump that the position should be delegated to a person, not a car, the President-Elect insisted that the Beige ’91 LeSabre was the man for the job.

Trump announced the pick Monday morning at a press conference outside of a Denny’s.

“Look, people, it’s simple. People do not have wheels. Cars have wheels. Wheels transport you. If I appoint a man to the job, you look me dead and the eyes and tell me he’ll be able to work as quickly as a car. Exactly.”

Celery wins 8th consecutive title for least interesting food

By David Colton

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INDIANA, USA – After months of deliberation between judges, the Vegetable Advocate Group announced Thursday that the 2015 title for least interesting food would be retained by Celery, who came out on top of a narrow race with water (ice form).

Celery representatives were thrilled to receive the honor for the eighth consecutive year, celebrating with a little ranch and maybe even some cheese whiz.

“We’re beyond honored,” said celery advocate Lint Lemming, “people are finally starting to understand that when you eat celery, you’re actually losing calories!”

Water (ice form) representatives could not be reached following the tight race, which was championed in the closing moments by celery when people realized that it really wasn’t even that good with ranch.

Water (ice form), on the other hand, goes stunningly with almost any beverage, and its only selling point in this competition was that it sort of ruins milk.

This competition was televised on the hotel menu screen of several Drury Inn & Suites across the Midwest, and received the highest ratings it has since the great tomato discrepancy of 1988.

Kid who knew how to draw a cool ‘s’ now a professional artist

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By David Colton

THE SAD FUTURE – Sources confirmed early Wednesday that Torrey Durt, who knew how to draw a cool ‘s’ in elementary school, has officially had his work accepted into the Museum of Contemporary Art in Chicago.

“There’s a lot more that goes into the stroke of a paintbrush than meets the eye,” said Durt, who is weirdly still friends with his middle school art teacher, “I really try to create something that jumps out and says ‘Youth is anarchy,’ you know?”

However, Durt, who spends most of his time hanging out under train tracks, has had more than one brush with fame.

“I used to have this sick piece over on the slide at Hinkson park,” said Durt, “But then the freakin’ pigs painted it over.”

The majority of his work, Durt says, is interpretive, and requires a high level of focus to understand. One piece in particular stands out to Durt.

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“It’s called ‘life’ because it represents death,” said Durt, “the interpretation itself is actually meant to be interpreted.”

Guy wearing white Oakley’s probably knows a couple people in Miami

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By David Colton

NIGHTTIME – While he ordered a vodka-Monster at the bar, sources confirmed Tuesday that Frankie Martinez, who is most likely wearing some sort of necklace, may know a couple people in Miami.

“Hey, you gotta keep supporting your bros, you know?” said Martinez, when answering the question ‘Where are you from?’

Despite several attempts to start a conversation with him, Martinez continues insisting on telling the story of his barbed-wire tattoo.

“It’s cool, you know, because the wire represents how I’m always wired in,” explains Martinez, “and now my arm is wired in too, you know what I’m saying?”

After spending the entire day staring at women poolside, Frankie says he likes to wind down by going to Tonic.

“Yeah, it’s nice because I don’t even have to take off the shades,” said Martinez, “half the people in there are also already wearing sunglasses.”

After we finally got to the question, Martinez assured us his uncle once knew someone from Miami.

Man wearing beanie indoors claims he’s never smoked a cigarette

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By David Colton

COFFEEZONE—After ordering an “extra black” coffee and adjusting his scarf, local jean-ripper and people-judger Breton Polish declared that he has never smoked a cigarette.

“Listen, I care about my health,” said Polish, who was drinking a Guinness at 10 a.m. on Tuesday, “I wouldn’t poison this temple with cigarettes.”

Despite his declaration, other CoffeeZone patrons say he took a cigarette break “literally one minute ago.”

“If you’re talking cigarettes, no, I’ve never had one,” said Polish, “but I must say, tobacco rolls are my new favorite treat.”

After several failed attempts to explain that American Spirits still count as cigarettes, Polish finally went outside for a cigarette break.

 

Guy you don’t know at Thanksgiving knows your middle name

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By David Colton

SOMEWHERE YOU DON’T WANT TO BE—After several walk-by’s confirmed that you do not, in fact, know that guy sitting at the end of the table, sources confirmed Thursday that he knows most things about you, including your middle name and major.

“Jason, isn’t it?” said the guy, who wore a t-shirt and acid wash jeans to Thanksgiving, “Jason Delores Young, you’ve really grown since the last time I saw you!”

This “last time” has remained ambiguous throughout the entire day, as has this man’s connection to the family.

“Yeah, I think we’re all kinda too scared to ask,” said Aunt Trudy, “He said he was uncle Henry’s kid… do we have an uncle Henry?”

UPDATE (9:30 pm) After several hours of deliberation, the family has determined that this man is not related to anyone, and is going to be the last person to leave your cousins’ house.

Donald Trump’s 5 Most Controversial Stances

By David Colton and Peter Leipold

#1: The “Raise the Roof”

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When you only wear the top half of your suit to the toilet.

#2: The “Phallic Measurement”

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I know it, you know it, everybody knows it.

#3: The “Wise Guy”

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“Our wall will be built with coal and tears.”

#4: The “Try Not to Look Like Hitler”

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It’s harder than it looks, you know.

#5: The ” This is Where My Brain is”

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He’s already learning at a fifth grade level!

It’s about time: White vans now have to print what kind of candy they have on their side door

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Photo by Haley Blase

By David Colton

INDIANA – After a decade-long legal battle with the White Van Coalition, Indiana legislature finally signed into effect a law that requires all owners of White Vans to print what tasty treats lie inside.

“We just figured it wasn’t fair,” explains Indiana senator Flenderman Pinks, “if someone says they have candy in their van, we want to make sure they’re not just talking about Twizzlers or some shit.”

The law, which passed by an overwhelming majority in the Indiana Senate, will go into effect just before Halloween.

“I honestly think it’s straight up bullshit,” explains white van owner and questionable source Dennis Throbb, “we should be allowed to leave some room for interpretation.”

The law first came to the forefront of Indiana politics after a mother wrote a letter to the Senate complaining about candy types. The Gatekeeper has obtained an exclusive excerpt from this letter:

… My son was offered candy by a seemingly personable man who was wearing a wife-beater and acid wash jeans; pretty standard stuff. Obviously, I agreed to let Jimmy go get some (I mean, who doesn’t want free sugar), but when I asked him what kind of candy he had, he really started to freak me out. He said he either had Almond Joy or Snickers, and I just fucking lost it. Almond Joy OR Snickers?! That’s unacceptable. So, I told him that my son was no Almond Joy-loving pansy, and he switched his answer to Twix, so I let my son go with him. He must’ve had quite the selection, because he’s been checking it out for nearly 3 years now. Either way, something must be done.