Donald Trump’s 5 Most Controversial Stances

By David Colton and Peter Leipold

#1: The “Raise the Roof”

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When you only wear the top half of your suit to the toilet.

#2: The “Phallic Measurement”

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I know it, you know it, everybody knows it.

#3: The “Wise Guy”

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“Our wall will be built with coal and tears.”

#4: The “Try Not to Look Like Hitler”

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It’s harder than it looks, you know.

#5: The ” This is Where My Brain is”

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He’s already learning at a fifth grade level!

It’s about time: White vans now have to print what kind of candy they have on their side door

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Photo by Haley Blase

By David Colton

INDIANA – After a decade-long legal battle with the White Van Coalition, Indiana legislature finally signed into effect a law that requires all owners of White Vans to print what tasty treats lie inside.

“We just figured it wasn’t fair,” explains Indiana senator Flenderman Pinks, “if someone says they have candy in their van, we want to make sure they’re not just talking about Twizzlers or some shit.”

The law, which passed by an overwhelming majority in the Indiana Senate, will go into effect just before Halloween.

“I honestly think it’s straight up bullshit,” explains white van owner and questionable source Dennis Throbb, “we should be allowed to leave some room for interpretation.”

The law first came to the forefront of Indiana politics after a mother wrote a letter to the Senate complaining about candy types. The Gatekeeper has obtained an exclusive excerpt from this letter:

… My son was offered candy by a seemingly personable man who was wearing a wife-beater and acid wash jeans; pretty standard stuff. Obviously, I agreed to let Jimmy go get some (I mean, who doesn’t want free sugar), but when I asked him what kind of candy he had, he really started to freak me out. He said he either had Almond Joy or Snickers, and I just fucking lost it. Almond Joy OR Snickers?! That’s unacceptable. So, I told him that my son was no Almond Joy-loving pansy, and he switched his answer to Twix, so I let my son go with him. He must’ve had quite the selection, because he’s been checking it out for nearly 3 years now. Either way, something must be done.

Guy in Vineyard Vines & Sperry’s excited to make transition to Vineyard Vines & Tims

 

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By David Colton

GREEKTOWN – Early this morning, local Natty Light advocate and all-around savage Geoff Smalls made a decision that could alter the fashion world forever.

This morning, Geoff, whose name originally started with a ‘J’ but he got it changed, took advantage of the changing fall weather.

“It’s honestly dope how weather works,” explains Smalls, “I just love being able to express myself uniquely through what I wear.”

Geoff has made advancements to more than just his footwear though, also purchasing a few basketball jerseys to wear even in the winter.

“Yeah, my frat likes to keep the policy that every party is a jersey party,” explains Geoff, whose long hair somehow always looks wet, “it really ends up working out for us, because we all love sports!”

The shift from Sperry’s to Tims was not just a unique decision, but an informed one. Geoff’s brothers have all followed suit, and some have even started adding little personal touches, such as high white socks and backwards baseball hats.

“We’re really just glad we can express ourselves through what we wear,” said the fourth guy in 5 minutes, “we really feel that fashion is the most unique way of expressing yourself, no matter who you are.”

Student from Naperville is “like the biggest Cubs fan in the world”

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By David Colton

$2 TUESDAYS – In a shocking news briefing tonight at Harpo’s, it was uncovered that 20-year-old Kristin North from Naperville, IL is “actually such a huge Cubs fan you guys don’t even know.”

After attending one game in which she wore half of a jersey and pigtails, North has made an excellent case for being the team’s #1 fan.

“I just love Kris Byrant so honestly much,” explains North, “I remember once I saw him play on the field.”

Among North’s challengers for #1 Cubs fan are Lindsay, Brittany, and Kimberly, all of whom are, in Kristin’s words “actually the fakest bitches you’ll ever meet, and they don’t even tan.”

Lindsay, who’s been trying to claim the title ever since she saw a guy with a jawline beard in a Cubs jersey, says she’s definitely more loyal of a fan than Kristin.

“Ya, Kristin doesn’t even have the skin tone to match a Cubs uniform,” explains Lindsay, “She’s got so much more of a Boston White Shoes skin thing going.”

The voting will take place at Brookside Midtown tomorrow at Kyle’s pregame, and the viewing party will continue to a small, dark, sweaty room with no TV’s.

Man who knows how to play guitar doesn’t have to stop playing guitar to continue talking about playing guitar

 

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Photo by Haley Blase

By David Colton

KYLE’S BACKYARD – Sources confirmed Tuesday morning that Bryce Clad, self-described anklet connoisseur and longboard advocate, actually knows how to play the guitar.

By ‘sources,’ of course, we mean Bryce, who gave an interview while simultaneously struggling through “Sweet Home Alabama”

“People always talk about it like it’s some huge thing,” explains Clad, ”and I’m just like, you think I don’t know that?”

Clad, who has been playing for approximately 1 year, knows such classics as “Seven Nation Army” and “Back in Black,” but usually just spends his time vaguely picking G and C chords.

“Yeah, I was super into biking for a while, but then my bike got stolen back, so I picked up this guitar I took from an old guy,” says Clad, whose age remains comically ambiguous.

Instead of playing concerts or practicing on his own, Bryce likes to combine the two in public.

“It’s pretty tight, really,” explains Clad, “I just bring my axe wherever I go. I call it a ‘Practoncert.’ Good one, right?

Bryce’s friends, Kyle and Dirk, haven’t spoken in four hours.

Man too nervous to figure out if that’s Joan Cusack at the next table over

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By David Colton

APPLEBEE’S OF BOONVILLE– After several reports of a Cusack in the area, local middle-aged man Boris Mouth knew there was only one place they could be.

“I got the alert on my pager, and in that moment, I knew I had to go to Applebee’s,” explains Mouth, who spends the majority of his time tracking down the entire cast of ‘School of Rock’.

Mouth now sits at his table, where he is having trouble figuring out if Joan is sitting across the restaurant.

“She’s got the same signature cheekbones that Joan does, I know that, but her hair is parted a little differently than usual,” explains Mouth.

Among Boris’ Cusack-sighting team is waiter Geoff Houlihan, who says this is hardly Mouth’s first time in Applebee’s this week.

“I keep telling him that’s not her, because I don’t want him to get his hopes up,” states Houlihan, “but it actually might be her this time, I’ve got this feeling.”

According to Houlihan, Boris has come in to Applebee’s at least six times per week since he saw the guy who played Zach Mooneyham on TV.

“I’ve never seen him this inspired,” says Mouth’s wife, Vendetta, “I just hope she doesn’t try to file a restraining order like that asshole Ned Schneebly.”

Boris Mouth has remained on the hunt for the School of Rock cast for nearly three years now, and lists it as his full-time occupation on LinkedIn.

Other members of the community have called Boris “actually maybe insane,” “really weirdly tall,” and “in all honesty pretty terrifying.”

UPDATE: It wasn’t her.

Mizzou football team to just give up

 

562ae58f60bd4.image.jpgBy David Colton

BARRY ODOM’S SAD EYES– In developing news, the University of Missouri football team has announced that they will give up following Saturday’s loss to Georgia.

“We keep trying to play football, and it keeps not working,” explains J’mon Moore, whose hands are made of liquid, “it seems like the world is just working against us.”

After Saturday’s heartbreaking loss, head coach Barry Odom brought the team into the locker room for some choice words.

The following is an excerpt from Odom’s speech:

“Alright guys, I’m not gonna lie to you, I would much rather just give up and go get some Taco Bell. I mean, if anyone objects, please do, but clearly this whole ‘football’ deal isn’t our thing.”

Mizzou held the lead for the vast majority of the game, but lost it with 1:50 left. Then, redshirt freshman Drew Lock threw a beautiful pass to J’mon Moore, who was distracted by a passing pigeon and fumbled the ball.

The loss is just one of many for the team this year, but is hardly the most tragic.

“I think we were all pretty shaken up when T-Bell got rid of the Beefy Crunch Burrito,” explains offensive lineman Darby Hent, “this sucks too though.”

Top 5 Ways to get arrested by MUPD

By David Colton

Here are some super fun ways you can get to know your local police!

1. Think About Alcohol

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Don’t even think about sippin’ that silly juice when it comes time for college fun!

2. Be related to someone who is 21

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Think you can get away with having relatives who can break the law? Think again!

3. Be a male in a bar

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The ratio is always most important. Even to the cops.

4. Try to walk home instead of driving drunk

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Thought walking was a safe alternative? Think again!

5. Attempt to enjoy your college experience

1-13-cameras.jpgNo matter what you do, or where you go out, just make sure you’re ready to have your week ruined by a 35-year old man wearing sports sunglasses at night.

 

Silly String CEO unveils new “Serious String”

 

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By Garrett Dvorkin & David Colton

NEWARK — Breaking news out of the Silly String headquarters this morning. Silly String CEO Jonathan String, known as ‘Johnny S.’ to his employees, revolutionized the string market for the foreseeable future with the unveiling of his company’s newest product. Silly String ltd. has had a strangle hold on the youth string market for decades, and invested millions of dollars to finally break into the adult string market.

The new product which may only be sold to those 18 years or older has many very excited. Karen Baeless, a real life college student from ITT tech was particularly interested. When asked about why he wanted the companies new string he exclaimed, “I loved silly string growing up, but when I turned about 16 I felt ridiculous playing with this children’s toy. This new serious string, whatever it does, will let me play with string again and not feel judged.”

Although no one is particularly sure what the new product does, Silly String’s stock prices surged today. The company opened at 4 cans of silly string per share, shares are now worth around 6 spools of serious string. At the unveiling, CEO String ended his speech “You will tell your children where you were when you first heard about serious string.”