Vince, I don’t want you coming near me or my nephew ever again.

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By Tony Fadoosh

Now, Vinny, I know we’ve known each other for some time now, but what you did yesterday morning was simply impermissible. We’re both reasonable people, Vin. At least that’s what I thought. I don’t have any idea where you got that sick, twisted idea or where you even got that much cottage cheese.

I don’t want any hard feelings between the two of us, but I’m sorry to tell you that you won’t be able to see Bobby ever again. And I won’t ever be able to look you in the eyes ever again, so I won’t be able to see you either. And, unfortunately, he won’t ever be able to see cottage cheese again.

I want you to pack up your things from the third floor pantry and get your sausage links out of the fridge by two-thirty tomorrow, or I’m callin’ the cops. And this time, I’ll make sure the cop doesn’t like cottage cheese. I’m gonna put in a special request, in advance, for a cop who doesn’t like cottage cheese, just so I can make sure he gets your ass for good. And I’ve put in cop requests before. It’s not like this is just some ‘thing’ that I’m making up, this is the real deal. Actually, you know what they need? An app. That’s how you get the word out there, have people getting it on their phones and stuff, then you could make cop requests super easy. I’m gonna write them a letter.

Anyway, you and all of your various food items need to be out of the duplex by two-thirty, or else I’m going to lock you in Bobby’s bedroom and make you experience the absolute catastrophe of a gas giant you created. Don’t leave any shit behind either, because I know you like that shit. I know you like to leave behind your shirts and shit so you have an excuse to come back and feed my nephew more cottage cheese, but no more.

So I’ll say it one more time: keep your mattress out of my pantry and your liquid cheese away from adolescents.

Regards,

Tony

 

Child Fills Up on Bread

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By David Colton

NORTHBROOK—A mother frustrated. A waiter tapping his pen. A father on his phone. A chaotic scene, with a cause more sinister than it appears.

10-year old Billy Stooble hadn’t eaten all day—at least, not since his breakfast of plain Eggos and Yogurt. But he’d pranced around the soccer pitch all day; he deserved to feast like a true champion.

He had specifically requested Giovanni Randazzo’s Italian Bistro, because it’s well known that Gio’s has the best mac n cheese and root beer—but what Gaylord and Helena Stooble didn’t see coming was the worst possible pre-meal preparation: a sliced baguette and a little basket of plastic butter containers.

“It was like the waiter had just set down the most valuable jewel in the Realm, and if he was the top Jewel Seeker,” said Dr. Mulligan Snots, who was seen devouring a calzone nearby.

Against his parents’ warning, the young Stooble snatched up nearly seven pieces of the sliced baguette, leaving only the “butt” and, of course, all of the “gross brown bread” for his four-year old sister.

“Yeah, that was a real ballsy move,” said Gaylord Stooble, Billy’s father, “I did not expect him to fuck Sarah over like that—I mean… that shit was cold.”

By the time the waiter returned to take the family’s order, Billy was already halfway through his second bread refill, and yet did not hesitate to be the first to blurt out his order, demanding pasta and French fries.

Helena tried to stop him, but the damage Billy had inflicted was already done—the waiter had moved on to her husband.

“Oh, I knew I wouldn’t be able to eat all of that right then. Are you kidding me? Mac n Cheese and French fries? That’s a ridiculous amount of food. But, I like to challenge myself, and I play to win,” said Billy, who would eventually fall asleep in the car ride home.

According to Dr. Snots, it was apparent that Billy drank two full glasses of root beer using the straw, in addition to devouring eight to ten pieces of bread and six plastic butter containers, whose woeful demise was scattered across the red and white-checked tablecloth.

“That kid had no chance,” said Dr. Snots, “and trust me, this is a situation I’m familiar with in my profession. There was no way that bread was making it past the 15-minute mark.”

By the end of the night, Billy had eaten two full baguettes, two French fries and one bite of Mac n Cheese. The rest of the exquisite dish was allocated to a Styrofoam container, where it will eventually be forgotten in the back of the Stooble fridge, only to be eventually consumed by Gaylord.

Nation’s Hooligans Announce Plans to Scamper

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By David Colton

EVERY WHICH WAY—This morning, the Hooligan Organization for Executives (HOE) issued a formal statement of intent to scamper, which was unanimously agreed upon by the Hooligan board.

Denny von Mouth, HOE Chairman said this event should come as no surprise to the committee.

“Having defined our Hooligan organization as a scamper-oriented pyramid scheme, we think our decision to scamper will go over quite well with the committee,” von Mouth said.

The news of HOE’s plans to scamper come just months after the Hooligans’ first obstacle as an organization, which was unionizing. Since the group officially unionized last fall, they have staged strikes directly outside of the Bigwigs’ homes on every major holiday.

“Those foolish little imps wouldn’t stand a chance against Quintin and his professional falconry training,” said Bellevue Cobblestone III, a large, snooty British man in tight clothes.

Cobblestone is, of course, referring to the falcon he purchases annually for his son Quintin–a new one every year– part of what he considers to be a staple of the storied Cobblestone family history.

The Hooligans, however, seem to have plans of their own.

“After consulting the committee, we have determined that scampering about the neighborhood is effectively the smartest business decision moving forward,” said von Mouth, while mischievously crafting some sort of slingshot mechanism.

The Hooligans plan to scamper the first Tuesday of every week, and every other Wednesday in between the weeks when they scamper on Fridays as well, which is also every week.

So basically, Denny von Mouth says, every fuckin’ day.

“Look, it’s simple. We’re Hooligans. We scamper. It’s what we were born to do; it’s what we were elected to do. Nobody can change that, and nobody will—no matter how hard the committee tries.”

There is no voting process for the Hooligans nor any actual positions to which you can be elected. There is no committee.

Greek Week sprinter breaks leg, teammates forced to euthanize third pussy this week

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By David Colton

THE QUAD—After several weeks of showing up to practice drunk and hitting on girls who clearly aren’t interested, local frat lord Bryce Powers broke his leg on the first step of the 10-meter sprint Saturday morning.

Bryce’s teammates—for the most part Devon and Kyle—were forced to kill Bryce, as his display of “pussy shit” simply didn’t provide enough testosterone to adequately satisfy his bretheren.

“Yeah, we’ve had to kill a couple of other losers this week, but those were pledges so who gives a shit?!” exclaimed Devon Winters, reigning champion of the program’s famed whiteness contest.

The pledges who were killed earlier this week have long since been forgotten, according to active member Geoff Fox.

“Those fucks? Oh yeah, I haven’t thought about them since the funeral on Sunday.”

The funeral on Sunday was held at Big 12, in order to accommodate the necessary dollar beers and burgers.

MUPD, however, doesn’t seem overly concerned with the murders and has remained steadily focused on increasing the number of officers who patrol parking lots trying to arrest kids for smoking weed.

“We have very serious matters to attend to,” said MUPD officer Boris White, “if we don’t pull over every single car that drives down Rollins, what are we supposed to do?”

Bryce’s funeral will be held either Friday or Saturday at Field House, depending which night has better deals.

Trump Cites Dolores Umbridge in Inauguration Speech

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By Mo Macsai-Goren

WASHINGTON-Literally tens of people showed up at the national mall this morning to watch an angry orange man become our nation’s leader.

The inauguration festivities began yesterday with a nine minute concert by the Canadian rock trio “Three Doors Down” as they performed their entire discography and ran into the early hours of this morning with the men of “Duck Dynasty” shooting fireworks off from the Capitol’s parking lot.

We have been briefed that they are being considered for top positions at The Pentagon.

A whopping 17 Americans covered the national mall as President Trump took the stage, swore in, and delivered a millennial-friendly speech where he cleared the air about his connections to Vladimir Putin.

“I am tremendously excited to say that I am not Russian,” Trump weirdly exclaimed, “In the words of my favorite millennial  Harry Potter character, ‘I must not tell lies’.”

Trump was clearly quoting tyrannical and sadistic Hogwarts School professor Dolores Umbridge, who ultimately was working for the Minister of magic.

Democrats were absolutely floored by President Trump’s reference while Republicans seemed overjoyed. “I find it abhorrent and I am absolutely outraged that the president would say such a thing” a democratic representative told Gatekeeper reporters. “I’m honestly just impressed that he can read.”
Harry Potter themed riots have since broken out on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial. Although seemingly hilarious, the riots have turned violent and are quickly getting out of hand.  

Donald Trump Appoints ’91 Buick LeSabre to Secretary of Transportation

 

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By David Colton

WASHINGTON – After several minutes of deliberation and multiple test drives, Trump announced his pick for Secretary of Transportation Monday.

“I’m just glad I got someone to take it off my hands,” says Dale Jackson, who sold the President-Elect the vehicle, “I’m positive this is for a good cause.”

Trump, who already only has $2,000 left in the White House cabinet budget, says the pick was a personal one.

“I met this man, and he says to me, look, I’ve got a very very good deal on a very very nice car,” says Mr. Trump, “and so I say ‘look, you know, how is this for transportation?’ He told me it was very very good at transportation, and at that point I knew it was the perfect fit.”

Despite multiple attempts to explain to Trump that the position should be delegated to a person, not a car, the President-Elect insisted that the Beige ’91 LeSabre was the man for the job.

Trump announced the pick Monday morning at a press conference outside of a Denny’s.

“Look, people, it’s simple. People do not have wheels. Cars have wheels. Wheels transport you. If I appoint a man to the job, you look me dead and the eyes and tell me he’ll be able to work as quickly as a car. Exactly.”

Guy wearing white Oakley’s probably knows a couple people in Miami

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By David Colton

NIGHTTIME – While he ordered a vodka-Monster at the bar, sources confirmed Tuesday that Frankie Martinez, who is most likely wearing some sort of necklace, may know a couple people in Miami.

“Hey, you gotta keep supporting your bros, you know?” said Martinez, when answering the question ‘Where are you from?’

Despite several attempts to start a conversation with him, Martinez continues insisting on telling the story of his barbed-wire tattoo.

“It’s cool, you know, because the wire represents how I’m always wired in,” explains Martinez, “and now my arm is wired in too, you know what I’m saying?”

After spending the entire day staring at women poolside, Frankie says he likes to wind down by going to Tonic.

“Yeah, it’s nice because I don’t even have to take off the shades,” said Martinez, “half the people in there are also already wearing sunglasses.”

After we finally got to the question, Martinez assured us his uncle once knew someone from Miami.

Guy you don’t know at Thanksgiving knows your middle name

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By David Colton

SOMEWHERE YOU DON’T WANT TO BE—After several walk-by’s confirmed that you do not, in fact, know that guy sitting at the end of the table, sources confirmed Thursday that he knows most things about you, including your middle name and major.

“Jason, isn’t it?” said the guy, who wore a t-shirt and acid wash jeans to Thanksgiving, “Jason Delores Young, you’ve really grown since the last time I saw you!”

This “last time” has remained ambiguous throughout the entire day, as has this man’s connection to the family.

“Yeah, I think we’re all kinda too scared to ask,” said Aunt Trudy, “He said he was uncle Henry’s kid… do we have an uncle Henry?”

UPDATE (9:30 pm) After several hours of deliberation, the family has determined that this man is not related to anyone, and is going to be the last person to leave your cousins’ house.

Big Cow Turnout Wins South Dakota for Clinton

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by Garrett  Dvorkin

PIERRE, SD. – Clinton secured a surprise victory in “the Mount Rushmore state” as cows flocked to the polls to cast their votes for Clinton. South Dakota, a state whose human population was given a 96.7% chance by FiveThirtyEight.com, was completely outnumbered at the polls. The cows were given the right to vote July 18th when young Matthew Clark was “mayor of the day”.

South Dakota is one of nine states which cow population is greater than its human population. There are 844,877 humans in South Dakota, and over 3.6million cattle. In exit polls, 87.3% of the cattle cast their vote for Clinton, the other 12.3% voted for Gary Johnson due to his stance of the legalization of pot. Most of the fringe cow voters were turned away by Trump’s blatantly racism stances and sexist sentiment. One cow was interviewed saying “Trump called Hillary a cow, we took that as a sign for us cows to go to the polls.”trumpfarmer.jpg

Clinton, who wasn’t aware of the cattle vote oversight, was very appreciative in their exercising their right to vote, she was quoted:

“Well, it’s nice to know that we have hope in states like Wyoming and Montana, these states were thought to be too conservative to save, but with an cattle equality amendment, these states could become progressive.”

In response, trump immediately responded on twitter, firing back that “Crooked Hillary really did it this time, these cattle all are rapists and murders. This election was rigged #BultThatWall #LockHerUp”. Trump is encouraging the FBI to investigate the issue.