By David Colton
THE QUAD—After several weeks of showing up to practice drunk and hitting on girls who clearly aren’t interested, local frat lord Bryce Powers broke his leg on the first step of the 10-meter sprint Saturday morning.
Bryce’s teammates—for the most part Devon and Kyle—were forced to kill Bryce, as his display of “pussy shit” simply didn’t provide enough testosterone to adequately satisfy his bretheren.
“Yeah, we’ve had to kill a couple of other losers this week, but those were pledges so who gives a shit?!” exclaimed Devon Winters, reigning champion of the program’s famed whiteness contest.
The pledges who were killed earlier this week have long since been forgotten, according to active member Geoff Fox.
“Those fucks? Oh yeah, I haven’t thought about them since the funeral on Sunday.”
The funeral on Sunday was held at Big 12, in order to accommodate the necessary dollar beers and burgers.
MUPD, however, doesn’t seem overly concerned with the murders and has remained steadily focused on increasing the number of officers who patrol parking lots trying to arrest kids for smoking weed.
“We have very serious matters to attend to,” said MUPD officer Boris White, “if we don’t pull over every single car that drives down Rollins, what are we supposed to do?”
Bryce’s funeral will be held either Friday or Saturday at Field House, depending which night has better deals.
By Mo Macsai-Goren
WASHINGTON-Literally tens of people showed up at the national mall this morning to watch an angry orange man become our nation’s leader.
The inauguration festivities began yesterday with a nine minute concert by the Canadian rock trio “Three Doors Down” as they performed their entire discography and ran into the early hours of this morning with the men of “Duck Dynasty” shooting fireworks off from the Capitol’s parking lot.
We have been briefed that they are being considered for top positions at The Pentagon.
A whopping 17 Americans covered the national mall as President Trump took the stage, swore in, and delivered a millennial-friendly speech where he cleared the air about his connections to Vladimir Putin.
“I am tremendously excited to say that I am not Russian,” Trump weirdly exclaimed, “In the words of my favorite millennial Harry Potter character, ‘I must not tell lies’.”
Trump was clearly quoting tyrannical and sadistic Hogwarts School professor Dolores Umbridge, who ultimately was working for the Minister of magic.
Democrats were absolutely floored by President Trump’s reference while Republicans seemed overjoyed. “I find it abhorrent and I am absolutely outraged that the president would say such a thing” a democratic representative told Gatekeeper reporters. “I’m honestly just impressed that he can read.”
Harry Potter themed riots have since broken out on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial. Although seemingly hilarious, the riots have turned violent and are quickly getting out of hand.
By David Colton
WASHINGTON – After several minutes of deliberation and multiple test drives, Trump announced his pick for Secretary of Transportation Monday.
“I’m just glad I got someone to take it off my hands,” says Dale Jackson, who sold the President-Elect the vehicle, “I’m positive this is for a good cause.”
Trump, who already only has $2,000 left in the White House cabinet budget, says the pick was a personal one.
“I met this man, and he says to me, look, I’ve got a very very good deal on a very very nice car,” says Mr. Trump, “and so I say ‘look, you know, how is this for transportation?’ He told me it was very very good at transportation, and at that point I knew it was the perfect fit.”
Despite multiple attempts to explain to Trump that the position should be delegated to a person, not a car, the President-Elect insisted that the Beige ’91 LeSabre was the man for the job.
Trump announced the pick Monday morning at a press conference outside of a Denny’s.
“Look, people, it’s simple. People do not have wheels. Cars have wheels. Wheels transport you. If I appoint a man to the job, you look me dead and the eyes and tell me he’ll be able to work as quickly as a car. Exactly.”
By David Colton
NIGHTTIME – While he ordered a vodka-Monster at the bar, sources confirmed Tuesday that Frankie Martinez, who is most likely wearing some sort of necklace, may know a couple people in Miami.
“Hey, you gotta keep supporting your bros, you know?” said Martinez, when answering the question ‘Where are you from?’
Despite several attempts to start a conversation with him, Martinez continues insisting on telling the story of his barbed-wire tattoo.
“It’s cool, you know, because the wire represents how I’m always wired in,” explains Martinez, “and now my arm is wired in too, you know what I’m saying?”
After spending the entire day staring at women poolside, Frankie says he likes to wind down by going to Tonic.
“Yeah, it’s nice because I don’t even have to take off the shades,” said Martinez, “half the people in there are also already wearing sunglasses.”
After we finally got to the question, Martinez assured us his uncle once knew someone from Miami.
By David Colton
SOMEWHERE YOU DON’T WANT TO BE—After several walk-by’s confirmed that you do not, in fact, know that guy sitting at the end of the table, sources confirmed Thursday that he knows most things about you, including your middle name and major.
“Jason, isn’t it?” said the guy, who wore a t-shirt and acid wash jeans to Thanksgiving, “Jason Delores Young, you’ve really grown since the last time I saw you!”
This “last time” has remained ambiguous throughout the entire day, as has this man’s connection to the family.
“Yeah, I think we’re all kinda too scared to ask,” said Aunt Trudy, “He said he was uncle Henry’s kid… do we have an uncle Henry?”
UPDATE (9:30 pm) After several hours of deliberation, the family has determined that this man is not related to anyone, and is going to be the last person to leave your cousins’ house.
By Mo Macsai-Goren
Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson started Election Day off in classic Gary Johnson style: by sleeping through his alarm.
Candidate Johnson held a press conference as he hastily put on his pants and made one brief statement to the media.
“Oh man, oh man. That was today?”
The Johnson campaign has declined further questions.
by Garrett Dvorkin
PIERRE, SD. – Clinton secured a surprise victory in “the Mount Rushmore state” as cows flocked to the polls to cast their votes for Clinton. South Dakota, a state whose human population was given a 96.7% chance by FiveThirtyEight.com, was completely outnumbered at the polls. The cows were given the right to vote July 18th when young Matthew Clark was “mayor of the day”.
South Dakota is one of nine states which cow population is greater than its human population. There are 844,877 humans in South Dakota, and over 3.6million cattle. In exit polls, 87.3% of the cattle cast their vote for Clinton, the other 12.3% voted for Gary Johnson due to his stance of the legalization of pot. Most of the fringe cow voters were turned away by Trump’s blatantly racism stances and sexist sentiment. One cow was interviewed saying “Trump called Hillary a cow, we took that as a sign for us cows to go to the polls.”
Clinton, who wasn’t aware of the cattle vote oversight, was very appreciative in their exercising their right to vote, she was quoted:
“Well, it’s nice to know that we have hope in states like Wyoming and Montana, these states were thought to be too conservative to save, but with an cattle equality amendment, these states could become progressive.”
In response, trump immediately responded on twitter, firing back that “Crooked Hillary really did it this time, these cattle all are rapists and murders. This election was rigged #BultThatWall #LockHerUp”. Trump is encouraging the FBI to investigate the issue.
By David Colton
AMERICA, DAMN IT – In a recent survey across the country, studies determined that a questionable amount of red states have family restaurant and obesity perpetuator Long John Silvers listed as their polling places.
“It’s actually really convenient, because Tuesdays they have Fish Stick Frenzy,” explains voter and serious Paula Deen advocate Faith Destiny, “They just deep fry the ballot right there into the fish!”
Unsurprisingly, this has increased voter turnout tenfold in Minnesota and Wisconsin, among many other confused states.
Reports also showed an increase in Starbucks as polling places in blue states, where voters are given a free vest upon entry.
“Honestly, thank god they still serve the pumpkin spice latte even after Halloween is over,” explains drama student and turtleneck connesoure Philip Willoughby, “It makes it quite easy to choose who I’m voting for while convincing myself and everyone else I’m getting work done on my laptop.”
Both polling places are also handing out free bus tickets to Canada, as well as several pamphlets on space travel.
By David Colton
WASHINGTON – In early election news this morning, Donald Trump kicked off the big day by formally accusing Hillary Clinton of voter fraud.
“I would like to start this off by saying that I have made many, many, deals with many, many, wise guys,” explained Trump, “and we’ve seen Hillary lie many, many, times about many, many things.”
Despite her presidential candidacy being from the opposite political party, Trump continued to insist that Clinton stuffed the ballots in his favor.
“Hillary has been the absolute worst president ever, and she founded ISIS with flying colors,” explained Rick Smith, Trump supporter and questionable high school graduate, “this is worse than the gays trying to get abortions.”
Trump, who has yet to vote himself, says he plans to spend his day watching the polls through a secret camera he set up in the ceiling of a polling center.
“This is a very, very good camera that captures videos very well,” explains Trump, for some reason, “I’ve had very, very many meetings with very, very many cameras and they’ve all been tremendous.”
No information was gained from this interview.
By David Colton and Peter Leipold
#1: The “Raise the Roof”
When you only wear the top half of your suit to the toilet.
#2: The “Phallic Measurement”
I know it, you know it, everybody knows it.
#3: The “Wise Guy”
“Our wall will be built with coal and tears.”
#4: The “Try Not to Look Like Hitler”
It’s harder than it looks, you know.
#5: The ” This is Where My Brain is”
He’s already learning at a fifth grade level!