Greek Week sprinter breaks leg, teammates forced to euthanize third pussy this week

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By David Colton

THE QUAD—After several weeks of showing up to practice drunk and hitting on girls who clearly aren’t interested, local frat lord Bryce Powers broke his leg on the first step of the 10-meter sprint Saturday morning.

Bryce’s teammates—for the most part Devon and Kyle—were forced to kill Bryce, as his display of “pussy shit” simply didn’t provide enough testosterone to adequately satisfy his bretheren.

“Yeah, we’ve had to kill a couple of other losers this week, but those were pledges so who gives a shit?!” exclaimed Devon Winters, reigning champion of the program’s famed whiteness contest.

The pledges who were killed earlier this week have long since been forgotten, according to active member Geoff Fox.

“Those fucks? Oh yeah, I haven’t thought about them since the funeral on Sunday.”

The funeral on Sunday was held at Big 12, in order to accommodate the necessary dollar beers and burgers.

MUPD, however, doesn’t seem overly concerned with the murders and has remained steadily focused on increasing the number of officers who patrol parking lots trying to arrest kids for smoking weed.

“We have very serious matters to attend to,” said MUPD officer Boris White, “if we don’t pull over every single car that drives down Rollins, what are we supposed to do?”

Bryce’s funeral will be held either Friday or Saturday at Field House, depending which night has better deals.

Man wearing beanie indoors claims he’s never smoked a cigarette

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By David Colton

COFFEEZONE—After ordering an “extra black” coffee and adjusting his scarf, local jean-ripper and people-judger Breton Polish declared that he has never smoked a cigarette.

“Listen, I care about my health,” said Polish, who was drinking a Guinness at 10 a.m. on Tuesday, “I wouldn’t poison this temple with cigarettes.”

Despite his declaration, other CoffeeZone patrons say he took a cigarette break “literally one minute ago.”

“If you’re talking cigarettes, no, I’ve never had one,” said Polish, “but I must say, tobacco rolls are my new favorite treat.”

After several failed attempts to explain that American Spirits still count as cigarettes, Polish finally went outside for a cigarette break.

 

Donald Trump’s 5 Most Controversial Stances

By David Colton and Peter Leipold

#1: The “Raise the Roof”

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When you only wear the top half of your suit to the toilet.

#2: The “Phallic Measurement”

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I know it, you know it, everybody knows it.

#3: The “Wise Guy”

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“Our wall will be built with coal and tears.”

#4: The “Try Not to Look Like Hitler”

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It’s harder than it looks, you know.

#5: The ” This is Where My Brain is”

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He’s already learning at a fifth grade level!

Guy in Vineyard Vines & Sperry’s excited to make transition to Vineyard Vines & Tims

 

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By David Colton

GREEKTOWN – Early this morning, local Natty Light advocate and all-around savage Geoff Smalls made a decision that could alter the fashion world forever.

This morning, Geoff, whose name originally started with a ‘J’ but he got it changed, took advantage of the changing fall weather.

“It’s honestly dope how weather works,” explains Smalls, “I just love being able to express myself uniquely through what I wear.”

Geoff has made advancements to more than just his footwear though, also purchasing a few basketball jerseys to wear even in the winter.

“Yeah, my frat likes to keep the policy that every party is a jersey party,” explains Geoff, whose long hair somehow always looks wet, “it really ends up working out for us, because we all love sports!”

The shift from Sperry’s to Tims was not just a unique decision, but an informed one. Geoff’s brothers have all followed suit, and some have even started adding little personal touches, such as high white socks and backwards baseball hats.

“We’re really just glad we can express ourselves through what we wear,” said the fourth guy in 5 minutes, “we really feel that fashion is the most unique way of expressing yourself, no matter who you are.”

Federal Preserves torn between strawberry, peach for next fiscal year

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Photo by Haley Blase

By David Colton

WASHINGTON – This week, in political news more interesting than the upcoming national circus, the Federal Preserves announced shocking news for the toast world.

Last year, the seven-person committee decided on Apricot, a flavor that sent the breakfast world into a frenzy.

“I just want something that I’m going to be able to put on cooked bread,” explains food consumer Jefferson Tonks, “I don’t know why there has to be one type of jelly for the entire year.”

Unfortunately, Tonks was unable to complete his interview, as he was promptly hit with a poison dart after saying the J-word in front of the executive board of Preserves.

“We really can’t risk another incident like the Grape strike of 2011,” explains CEO of Fruit Relations Fenton Berry, “the fruit community is still rattled from those riots.”

The Grape Strike is not more than a tiny example of the countless ridiculous shenanigans this (somehow) multi-faceted committee has caused in major U.S. cities.

Decision day is November 8, so be sure to get out there and vote for something that matters!

Man who knows how to play guitar doesn’t have to stop playing guitar to continue talking about playing guitar

 

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Photo by Haley Blase

By David Colton

KYLE’S BACKYARD – Sources confirmed Tuesday morning that Bryce Clad, self-described anklet connoisseur and longboard advocate, actually knows how to play the guitar.

By ‘sources,’ of course, we mean Bryce, who gave an interview while simultaneously struggling through “Sweet Home Alabama”

“People always talk about it like it’s some huge thing,” explains Clad, ”and I’m just like, you think I don’t know that?”

Clad, who has been playing for approximately 1 year, knows such classics as “Seven Nation Army” and “Back in Black,” but usually just spends his time vaguely picking G and C chords.

“Yeah, I was super into biking for a while, but then my bike got stolen back, so I picked up this guitar I took from an old guy,” says Clad, whose age remains comically ambiguous.

Instead of playing concerts or practicing on his own, Bryce likes to combine the two in public.

“It’s pretty tight, really,” explains Clad, “I just bring my axe wherever I go. I call it a ‘Practoncert.’ Good one, right?

Bryce’s friends, Kyle and Dirk, haven’t spoken in four hours.

5 fun things to do with your parents this weekend

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King me, mom and dad!

  1. Discuss the status of the Thompsons’ Divorce50872864-daughter-and-mature-parents-having-serious-talking-in-home-interior-Stock-Photo.jpg

I hear he’s letting her take the dog. Can you believe that?

  1. Order Pizza041109_pizzahut.jpg

Get cheese, pepperoni, or even sausage! The possibilities are truly endless.

  1. Lie about how your classes are goingconnecting-with-your-kids.png

Your professor hasn’t put any exams put in yet, so the actual grade is higher than it looks.

  1. Give them an uncomfortable tour of your house23a0938c5e3caa943becf8ca98a28373.jpg

Make sure you forget to move your lotion off of your nightstand.

EDM enthusiast misinterprets enrollment drop

 

 

Tiquicia-Hit-Radio-guy-with-headphones.jpgBy David Colton

THE BLUE NOTE—Early this morning, local EDM advocator and MU student Thom Bulge expressed confusion about the drop in MU enrollment for 2016.

“I heard about the enrollment drop and god super psyched,” explains Thom, “I love hearing about new artists, and Enrollment is already one of my favorites.”

Bulge apparently thinks ‘Enrollment’ is a Progressive House side-project collaboration between DJ Lactaid and O.B.G.Y.N., two of the most well-known producers in the business.

“We’ve tried over and over again to explain to Thom that the enrollment drop is not sick,” explains Thom’s mother, Shauna Bulge, “but he just continues to insist that we just need to ‘wait for it,’ and I don’t even know what that means.

Somehow, even though he lived through the campus climate last fall, Bulge has no idea anything has changed at all.

“Honestly, I’m just pumped for Louis the Child to come dance in front of their computers again this month,” explains Bulge, “their drops are moderately sick.”

The Gatekeeper sat down with Bulge this week and explained to him that the enrollment drop was actually a drop in students attending MU, perpetuated by systematic oppression from positions of leadership and national media attention. Bulge, however, held constant to his stance, saying he “never even left Greektown,” because “why would he?”