Guy you don’t know at Thanksgiving knows your middle name

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By David Colton

SOMEWHERE YOU DON’T WANT TO BE—After several walk-by’s confirmed that you do not, in fact, know that guy sitting at the end of the table, sources confirmed Thursday that he knows most things about you, including your middle name and major.

“Jason, isn’t it?” said the guy, who wore a t-shirt and acid wash jeans to Thanksgiving, “Jason Delores Young, you’ve really grown since the last time I saw you!”

This “last time” has remained ambiguous throughout the entire day, as has this man’s connection to the family.

“Yeah, I think we’re all kinda too scared to ask,” said Aunt Trudy, “He said he was uncle Henry’s kid… do we have an uncle Henry?”

UPDATE (9:30 pm) After several hours of deliberation, the family has determined that this man is not related to anyone, and is going to be the last person to leave your cousins’ house.

Big Cow Turnout Wins South Dakota for Clinton

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by Garrett  Dvorkin

PIERRE, SD. – Clinton secured a surprise victory in “the Mount Rushmore state” as cows flocked to the polls to cast their votes for Clinton. South Dakota, a state whose human population was given a 96.7% chance by FiveThirtyEight.com, was completely outnumbered at the polls. The cows were given the right to vote July 18th when young Matthew Clark was “mayor of the day”.

South Dakota is one of nine states which cow population is greater than its human population. There are 844,877 humans in South Dakota, and over 3.6million cattle. In exit polls, 87.3% of the cattle cast their vote for Clinton, the other 12.3% voted for Gary Johnson due to his stance of the legalization of pot. Most of the fringe cow voters were turned away by Trump’s blatantly racism stances and sexist sentiment. One cow was interviewed saying “Trump called Hillary a cow, we took that as a sign for us cows to go to the polls.”trumpfarmer.jpg

Clinton, who wasn’t aware of the cattle vote oversight, was very appreciative in their exercising their right to vote, she was quoted:

“Well, it’s nice to know that we have hope in states like Wyoming and Montana, these states were thought to be too conservative to save, but with an cattle equality amendment, these states could become progressive.”

In response, trump immediately responded on twitter, firing back that “Crooked Hillary really did it this time, these cattle all are rapists and murders. This election was rigged #BultThatWall #LockHerUp”. Trump is encouraging the FBI to investigate the issue.

Suspicious number of Trump-favoring states have Long John Silver’s as polling centers

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By David Colton

AMERICA, DAMN IT – In a recent survey across the country, studies determined that a questionable amount of red states have family restaurant and obesity perpetuator Long John Silvers listed as their polling places.

“It’s actually really convenient, because Tuesdays they have Fish Stick Frenzy,” explains voter and serious Paula Deen advocate Faith Destiny, “They just deep fry the ballot right there into the fish!”

Unsurprisingly, this has increased voter turnout tenfold in Minnesota and Wisconsin, among many other confused states.

Reports also showed an increase in Starbucks as polling places in blue states, where voters are given a free vest upon entry.

“Honestly, thank god they still serve the pumpkin spice latte even after Halloween is over,” explains drama student and turtleneck connesoure Philip Willoughby, “It makes it quite easy to choose who I’m voting for while convincing myself and everyone else I’m getting work done on my laptop.”

Both polling places are also handing out free bus tickets to Canada, as well as several pamphlets on space travel.

 

Donald Trump Accuses Hillary Clinton of Voter Fraud

 

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By David Colton

WASHINGTON – In early election news this morning, Donald Trump kicked off the big day by formally accusing Hillary Clinton of voter fraud.

“I would like to start this off by saying that I have made many, many, deals with many, many, wise guys,” explained Trump, “and we’ve seen Hillary lie many, many, times about many, many things.”

Despite her presidential candidacy being from the opposite political party, Trump continued to insist that Clinton stuffed the ballots in his favor.

“Hillary has been the absolute worst president ever, and she founded ISIS with flying colors,” explained Rick Smith, Trump supporter and questionable high school graduate, “this is worse than the gays trying to get abortions.”

Trump, who has yet to vote himself, says he plans to spend his day watching the polls through a secret camera he set up in the ceiling of a polling center.

“This is a very, very good camera that captures videos very well,” explains Trump, for some reason, “I’ve had very, very many meetings with very, very many cameras and they’ve all been tremendous.”

No information was gained from this interview.

Donald Trump’s 5 Most Controversial Stances

By David Colton and Peter Leipold

#1: The “Raise the Roof”

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When you only wear the top half of your suit to the toilet.

#2: The “Phallic Measurement”

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I know it, you know it, everybody knows it.

#3: The “Wise Guy”

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“Our wall will be built with coal and tears.”

#4: The “Try Not to Look Like Hitler”

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It’s harder than it looks, you know.

#5: The ” This is Where My Brain is”

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He’s already learning at a fifth grade level!

It’s about time: White vans now have to print what kind of candy they have on their side door

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Photo by Haley Blase

By David Colton

INDIANA – After a decade-long legal battle with the White Van Coalition, Indiana legislature finally signed into effect a law that requires all owners of White Vans to print what tasty treats lie inside.

“We just figured it wasn’t fair,” explains Indiana senator Flenderman Pinks, “if someone says they have candy in their van, we want to make sure they’re not just talking about Twizzlers or some shit.”

The law, which passed by an overwhelming majority in the Indiana Senate, will go into effect just before Halloween.

“I honestly think it’s straight up bullshit,” explains white van owner and questionable source Dennis Throbb, “we should be allowed to leave some room for interpretation.”

The law first came to the forefront of Indiana politics after a mother wrote a letter to the Senate complaining about candy types. The Gatekeeper has obtained an exclusive excerpt from this letter:

… My son was offered candy by a seemingly personable man who was wearing a wife-beater and acid wash jeans; pretty standard stuff. Obviously, I agreed to let Jimmy go get some (I mean, who doesn’t want free sugar), but when I asked him what kind of candy he had, he really started to freak me out. He said he either had Almond Joy or Snickers, and I just fucking lost it. Almond Joy OR Snickers?! That’s unacceptable. So, I told him that my son was no Almond Joy-loving pansy, and he switched his answer to Twix, so I let my son go with him. He must’ve had quite the selection, because he’s been checking it out for nearly 3 years now. Either way, something must be done.

Guy in Vineyard Vines & Sperry’s excited to make transition to Vineyard Vines & Tims

 

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By David Colton

GREEKTOWN – Early this morning, local Natty Light advocate and all-around savage Geoff Smalls made a decision that could alter the fashion world forever.

This morning, Geoff, whose name originally started with a ‘J’ but he got it changed, took advantage of the changing fall weather.

“It’s honestly dope how weather works,” explains Smalls, “I just love being able to express myself uniquely through what I wear.”

Geoff has made advancements to more than just his footwear though, also purchasing a few basketball jerseys to wear even in the winter.

“Yeah, my frat likes to keep the policy that every party is a jersey party,” explains Geoff, whose long hair somehow always looks wet, “it really ends up working out for us, because we all love sports!”

The shift from Sperry’s to Tims was not just a unique decision, but an informed one. Geoff’s brothers have all followed suit, and some have even started adding little personal touches, such as high white socks and backwards baseball hats.

“We’re really just glad we can express ourselves through what we wear,” said the fourth guy in 5 minutes, “we really feel that fashion is the most unique way of expressing yourself, no matter who you are.”

Student from Naperville is “like the biggest Cubs fan in the world”

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By David Colton

$2 TUESDAYS – In a shocking news briefing tonight at Harpo’s, it was uncovered that 20-year-old Kristin North from Naperville, IL is “actually such a huge Cubs fan you guys don’t even know.”

After attending one game in which she wore half of a jersey and pigtails, North has made an excellent case for being the team’s #1 fan.

“I just love Kris Byrant so honestly much,” explains North, “I remember once I saw him play on the field.”

Among North’s challengers for #1 Cubs fan are Lindsay, Brittany, and Kimberly, all of whom are, in Kristin’s words “actually the fakest bitches you’ll ever meet, and they don’t even tan.”

Lindsay, who’s been trying to claim the title ever since she saw a guy with a jawline beard in a Cubs jersey, says she’s definitely more loyal of a fan than Kristin.

“Ya, Kristin doesn’t even have the skin tone to match a Cubs uniform,” explains Lindsay, “She’s got so much more of a Boston White Shoes skin thing going.”

The voting will take place at Brookside Midtown tomorrow at Kyle’s pregame, and the viewing party will continue to a small, dark, sweaty room with no TV’s.

Federal Preserves torn between strawberry, peach for next fiscal year

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Photo by Haley Blase

By David Colton

WASHINGTON – This week, in political news more interesting than the upcoming national circus, the Federal Preserves announced shocking news for the toast world.

Last year, the seven-person committee decided on Apricot, a flavor that sent the breakfast world into a frenzy.

“I just want something that I’m going to be able to put on cooked bread,” explains food consumer Jefferson Tonks, “I don’t know why there has to be one type of jelly for the entire year.”

Unfortunately, Tonks was unable to complete his interview, as he was promptly hit with a poison dart after saying the J-word in front of the executive board of Preserves.

“We really can’t risk another incident like the Grape strike of 2011,” explains CEO of Fruit Relations Fenton Berry, “the fruit community is still rattled from those riots.”

The Grape Strike is not more than a tiny example of the countless ridiculous shenanigans this (somehow) multi-faceted committee has caused in major U.S. cities.

Decision day is November 8, so be sure to get out there and vote for something that matters!