By David Colton
INDIANA, USA – After months of deliberation between judges, the Vegetable Advocate Group announced Thursday that the 2015 title for least interesting food would be retained by Celery, who came out on top of a narrow race with water (ice form).
Celery representatives were thrilled to receive the honor for the eighth consecutive year, celebrating with a little ranch and maybe even some cheese whiz.
“We’re beyond honored,” said celery advocate Lint Lemming, “people are finally starting to understand that when you eat celery, you’re actually losing calories!”
Water (ice form) representatives could not be reached following the tight race, which was championed in the closing moments by celery when people realized that it really wasn’t even that good with ranch.
Water (ice form), on the other hand, goes stunningly with almost any beverage, and its only selling point in this competition was that it sort of ruins milk.
This competition was televised on the hotel menu screen of several Drury Inn & Suites across the Midwest, and received the highest ratings it has since the great tomato discrepancy of 1988.
By David Colton
THE SAD FUTURE – Sources confirmed early Wednesday that Torrey Durt, who knew how to draw a cool ‘s’ in elementary school, has officially had his work accepted into the Museum of Contemporary Art in Chicago.
“There’s a lot more that goes into the stroke of a paintbrush than meets the eye,” said Durt, who is weirdly still friends with his middle school art teacher, “I really try to create something that jumps out and says ‘Youth is anarchy,’ you know?”
However, Durt, who spends most of his time hanging out under train tracks, has had more than one brush with fame.
“I used to have this sick piece over on the slide at Hinkson park,” said Durt, “But then the freakin’ pigs painted it over.”
The majority of his work, Durt says, is interpretive, and requires a high level of focus to understand. One piece in particular stands out to Durt.
“It’s called ‘life’ because it represents death,” said Durt, “the interpretation itself is actually meant to be interpreted.”
By David Colton
NIGHTTIME – While he ordered a vodka-Monster at the bar, sources confirmed Tuesday that Frankie Martinez, who is most likely wearing some sort of necklace, may know a couple people in Miami.
“Hey, you gotta keep supporting your bros, you know?” said Martinez, when answering the question ‘Where are you from?’
Despite several attempts to start a conversation with him, Martinez continues insisting on telling the story of his barbed-wire tattoo.
“It’s cool, you know, because the wire represents how I’m always wired in,” explains Martinez, “and now my arm is wired in too, you know what I’m saying?”
After spending the entire day staring at women poolside, Frankie says he likes to wind down by going to Tonic.
“Yeah, it’s nice because I don’t even have to take off the shades,” said Martinez, “half the people in there are also already wearing sunglasses.”
After we finally got to the question, Martinez assured us his uncle once knew someone from Miami.
By David Colton
COFFEEZONE—After ordering an “extra black” coffee and adjusting his scarf, local jean-ripper and people-judger Breton Polish declared that he has never smoked a cigarette.
“Listen, I care about my health,” said Polish, who was drinking a Guinness at 10 a.m. on Tuesday, “I wouldn’t poison this temple with cigarettes.”
Despite his declaration, other CoffeeZone patrons say he took a cigarette break “literally one minute ago.”
“If you’re talking cigarettes, no, I’ve never had one,” said Polish, “but I must say, tobacco rolls are my new favorite treat.”
After several failed attempts to explain that American Spirits still count as cigarettes, Polish finally went outside for a cigarette break.
By David Colton
SOMEWHERE YOU DON’T WANT TO BE—After several walk-by’s confirmed that you do not, in fact, know that guy sitting at the end of the table, sources confirmed Thursday that he knows most things about you, including your middle name and major.
“Jason, isn’t it?” said the guy, who wore a t-shirt and acid wash jeans to Thanksgiving, “Jason Delores Young, you’ve really grown since the last time I saw you!”
This “last time” has remained ambiguous throughout the entire day, as has this man’s connection to the family.
“Yeah, I think we’re all kinda too scared to ask,” said Aunt Trudy, “He said he was uncle Henry’s kid… do we have an uncle Henry?”
UPDATE (9:30 pm) After several hours of deliberation, the family has determined that this man is not related to anyone, and is going to be the last person to leave your cousins’ house.
By Mo Macsai-Goren
Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson started Election Day off in classic Gary Johnson style: by sleeping through his alarm.
Candidate Johnson held a press conference as he hastily put on his pants and made one brief statement to the media.
“Oh man, oh man. That was today?”
The Johnson campaign has declined further questions.
by Garrett Dvorkin
PIERRE, SD. – Clinton secured a surprise victory in “the Mount Rushmore state” as cows flocked to the polls to cast their votes for Clinton. South Dakota, a state whose human population was given a 96.7% chance by FiveThirtyEight.com, was completely outnumbered at the polls. The cows were given the right to vote July 18th when young Matthew Clark was “mayor of the day”.
South Dakota is one of nine states which cow population is greater than its human population. There are 844,877 humans in South Dakota, and over 3.6million cattle. In exit polls, 87.3% of the cattle cast their vote for Clinton, the other 12.3% voted for Gary Johnson due to his stance of the legalization of pot. Most of the fringe cow voters were turned away by Trump’s blatantly racism stances and sexist sentiment. One cow was interviewed saying “Trump called Hillary a cow, we took that as a sign for us cows to go to the polls.”
Clinton, who wasn’t aware of the cattle vote oversight, was very appreciative in their exercising their right to vote, she was quoted:
“Well, it’s nice to know that we have hope in states like Wyoming and Montana, these states were thought to be too conservative to save, but with an cattle equality amendment, these states could become progressive.”
In response, trump immediately responded on twitter, firing back that “Crooked Hillary really did it this time, these cattle all are rapists and murders. This election was rigged #BultThatWall #LockHerUp”. Trump is encouraging the FBI to investigate the issue.
By David Colton
AMERICA, DAMN IT – In a recent survey across the country, studies determined that a questionable amount of red states have family restaurant and obesity perpetuator Long John Silvers listed as their polling places.
“It’s actually really convenient, because Tuesdays they have Fish Stick Frenzy,” explains voter and serious Paula Deen advocate Faith Destiny, “They just deep fry the ballot right there into the fish!”
Unsurprisingly, this has increased voter turnout tenfold in Minnesota and Wisconsin, among many other confused states.
Reports also showed an increase in Starbucks as polling places in blue states, where voters are given a free vest upon entry.
“Honestly, thank god they still serve the pumpkin spice latte even after Halloween is over,” explains drama student and turtleneck connesoure Philip Willoughby, “It makes it quite easy to choose who I’m voting for while convincing myself and everyone else I’m getting work done on my laptop.”
Both polling places are also handing out free bus tickets to Canada, as well as several pamphlets on space travel.
By David Colton
WASHINGTON – In early election news this morning, Donald Trump kicked off the big day by formally accusing Hillary Clinton of voter fraud.
“I would like to start this off by saying that I have made many, many, deals with many, many, wise guys,” explained Trump, “and we’ve seen Hillary lie many, many, times about many, many things.”
Despite her presidential candidacy being from the opposite political party, Trump continued to insist that Clinton stuffed the ballots in his favor.
“Hillary has been the absolute worst president ever, and she founded ISIS with flying colors,” explained Rick Smith, Trump supporter and questionable high school graduate, “this is worse than the gays trying to get abortions.”
Trump, who has yet to vote himself, says he plans to spend his day watching the polls through a secret camera he set up in the ceiling of a polling center.
“This is a very, very good camera that captures videos very well,” explains Trump, for some reason, “I’ve had very, very many meetings with very, very many cameras and they’ve all been tremendous.”
No information was gained from this interview.
By David Colton and Peter Leipold
#1: The “Raise the Roof”
When you only wear the top half of your suit to the toilet.
#2: The “Phallic Measurement”
I know it, you know it, everybody knows it.
#3: The “Wise Guy”
“Our wall will be built with coal and tears.”
#4: The “Try Not to Look Like Hitler”
It’s harder than it looks, you know.
#5: The ” This is Where My Brain is”
He’s already learning at a fifth grade level!